Sunday, August 8, 2010

32 Teams in 32 Days: #31 The Bills

The second stop on our countdown from worst to first brings us North of the border. Wait...Buffalo's not in Canada? Seriously? When the hell did that happen?

Asshole joke aside, the Bills should be playing in Canada. And no, I don't mean changing locales to Toronto...these losers should be playing in the CFL. They're just that bad. It's amazing how far this team has fallen since the days of Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, and 4 straight Super Bowl [losses].

You've got to feel sorry for Bill fans.  The franchise has got to be cursed.  Its best seasons?  They all ended in Super Bowl losses.  Its best player?  He was Nordberg...wait...whoops...he was actually a MURDERER...wait...double whoops...I actually meant an armed robber and kidnapper.  The two most memorable moments in franchise history? "WTF!? Loss 1" and "WTF!? Loss 2". Toss in a list of other jackasses who've stunk Buffalo up, like Rob Johnson, Wade Phillips, and even Terrell Owens and you've got one of the most tormented fan bases in the NFL.

At least Buffalo has a track record of success in other professional sports!  Oh....wait...I guess they're completely cursed in everything...Well at least the weather's nice!...wait...really? It snows in October? Ummmm...they aren't Cleveland? BAM.  There's a positive right there!

Now that I'm done being mean to Buffalo, let's take a look at how they'll fare in 2010.


Despite having absolutely no offensive line or quarterbacking skills, the Bills are pretty damn good at running back.  Why?  Because they have way too f!@$ing many.  There's bruiser Marshawn Lynch, the unbelievably underrated Fred Jackson (clutch runner and teams 2nd leading receiver), and now 9th overall pick C.J. Spiller, a speedster who also has hands of gold.  Buffalo won't be able to put all three on the field at once, but look for Jackson on 1st and 2nd, Spiller on 3rd down, and Jackson in short yardage situations.


The Bills can run...but they can't block, and they sure as hell can't pass worth a damn.  For one reason or another, Buffalo completely forgot to draft or sign a real QB during the offseason...AND decided to drop their only decent wideout/douchebag in Terrell Owens.  Trent Edwards and or Ryan Fitzpatrick are pretty awful on their own.   But leaving them without an offensive line or receivers is like leaving your kids with Michael Jackson at Neverland Ranch.  BAD.

Buffalo's change to a 3-4 defense will likely hurt least in the short term...hell knowing Buffalo it probably will in the long term too. It takes more than one season to put that system into play.


Buffalo hired Chan Gailey as their head coach during the offseason. Lame. He was an average coach in Dallas, an average coach at Georgia Tech, and apparently an awful offensive coordinator in Kansas City. But hey, he's a step above Dick Jauron...maybe.

Like the Rams, the Bills pretty much sat on their asses during free agency. No signings. And they cut two of their better players in DE Aaron Schobel (10 sacks last year), and yes...Terrell Owens. New coach, new strategy...probably same direction. BUFFALO!!!

Buffalo's draft sucked. 9th overall selection C.J. Spiller (RB, Clemson) was a sexy...yet idiotic pick. Why draft another running back when your quarterbacks are shit? Or when your offensive line is about as effective as the Great Wall of China against Mongols? There were plenty of BOTH POSITIONS available THROUGHOUT THE DRAFT. But the Bills didn't take an offensive lineman until the 5th ground (Ed Wang out of Oregon, cue the wang jokes) and took a QB with their last pick...What the hell? IS EVERYONE STUPID?


The entire AFC East outside of Buffalo tears their ACLs. The NFL outlaws the passing the football, and the Bills rush for 3,000 yards as a team. Unfortunately, they still finish 6-10. Sorry Buffalo. This team has no hope. Unless owner Ralph Wilson finds the holy grail, becomes immortal, and keeps the team in town for the rest of time.


Chan Gailey proves that Dick Jauron wasn't a bad coach...comparatively. The Bills offensive line fails to block for the umpteenth straight season, and both Edwards and Fitzpatrick go down with season ending injuries. Seeing the season as doomed, Buffalo holds open tryout for QB, signing this class act as their QB. Meanwhile Ralph Wilson dies. His kids inherit the team, but don't want it, and sell it to a Toronto based ownership group. They announce they'll move the team into ACTUAL Canada.


Last in passing yards, last in the AFC East, but first in the list of "Sports Teams that God Hates". Keep your chin up least you got Chan Gailey at head coach!...oh wait.

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