Monday, October 26, 2009

Monday Night Diaries Week 7


Redskins and Eagles…I’m honestly not expecting much.  Eagles win big, Redskins lose ugly, and I hate myself for watching this god awful abomination.

8:25 - The Redskins thus far have only played winless teams…and are 2-4.  Someone please tell me how Chris Cooley thinks this team is good.  THEIR HEAD COACH DOESN’T EVEN CALL THEIR PLAYS.

8:42 – Oh god, the first play of the game for the Eagles is out of the wildcat.   PLEASE,  PLEASE restrain yourself Gruden.

8:44 – Holy crap is DeSean Jackson fast…Philly runs an end around and Jackson isn’t even touched, scoring a 66 yard TD.  He hasn’t had one touchdown this year under 60 yards (4 by the way).  Crazy stuff.  Reminds me of my blazing speed in high school.  Not quite my level though.  The kid needs a little work.  Meanwhile, 7-0 ‘iggles.

8:49 – I have no idea how Sherman Lewis has any business making play calls…seriously, what was Daniel Snyder thinking taking away Jim Zorn’s duties?  Lewis may have coached the Packer teams of the ‘90s, but we all know that Green Bay’s success back then was due to Brett Favre doing whatever the hell he wanted (in his defense, he was actually GOOD then).  His last job?  The 2003-2004 Detroit Lions.  Pathetic.

8:59 – Eagle running back Brian Westbrook takes a vicious shot from London Fletcher’s knee to the head  (wasn’t a dirty play), but luckily he did walk off the field on his own after being down on the ground a few minutes.  He’s been a damn good player for quite some time for Philly, but I don’t know any running back that’s gotten beat up more than him.  Likely the last we see of him tonight.

9:02 – McNabb throw in the dirt.  Surprise, Surpise.  Meanwhile, all of Philadelphia  either:

A.  Angrily yells at their TV “!@#% McNabb!  And that Reid guy too!”
B.  Calls in to a radio show and says “!@%^ McNabb! And that Reid guy too!”
C.  Or get insanely angry over some other insignificant matter.  PHILLY

9:08 – The Redskins are just pitiful on offense.  It’s not Zorn’s fault.  It’s not this new guy Lewis’s fault.  It’s not even QB Jason Campbell.  The fact of the matter is the awful, and I mean AWFUL, wall of garbage that is the Washington offensive line.  They look like the French Army in every single war of all-time, just doing absolutely nothing to help out.

9:14 – But as bad as the offensive line is playing, the Redskins defense isn’t playing half bad.  London Fletcher is like 50 years old and still making plays all over the field. 

9:17 – Again, that Redskin offensive line is awful.  Jason Campbell did a three step drop AND STILL had 10 defenders in his face.  Ball gets tipped immediately at the line and Will Witherspoon gets a pick 6 off a tipped pass.  14-0 Iggles, and I’m already regretting covering this game. 

9:23 – Literally 5 seconds later, and STILL no blocking from Washington.  Campbell strip-sacked by Witherspoon and the Eagles get it again.  Embarrassing.

9:29 – Akers field goal…17-0.  Yikes, this is getting ugly fast.  I mean faster.  UGH.

9:36 – Redskins only offense coming way of Philly penalties, I can’t believe they’re inside the red zone!  Hell inside the 5 yard line…Maybe Lewis does know what he’s doing.

9:39 – Wow they scored too?  Apocalypse coming?  Campbell to Thomas…17-7.

9:43 – Michael Vick in again…absolutely nothing.  I’ve said this before, Michael Vick in the Wildcat is not the way to use this guy.  He’s not as fast, not as good. 

9:45 – The Redskins suck.  Antwan Randle-El muffs a punt off his facemask.  How bad is this team?  My god.  WHY AM I WATCHING.

9:48 -  Well at least the Skin defense is playing.  20-7, Eagles get another field goal.  I’m still bored and trying not to fall asleep.

9:58 – Well so much for the Redskins playing well on defense.  Not only do they get beat on 3rd and 23, they give up another long touchdown to DeSean Jackson.  A season low 58 yard touchdown for Jackson.  This is embarrassing.  I’m feeling Curb Your Enthusiasm right now…This game is just awful.  27-7 Eagles.

10:09 – The Redskins hit a field goal just before halftime…27-10.  This game can’t end soon enough.  2 more quarters?  Likely not happening.

10:36 – Wow the games back on…Whatever. 

10:40 – Skins still can’t block.  Really.  How can they not read blitz when 10 people are standing on the line of scrimmage?  Amateur hour. 

10:42 – I still don’t get these Quaker Steak and Lube Commercials. 

10:45 – This game is still boring, but the Eagles have some awesome receivers.  Maclin, Curtis, and of course Jackson, all making good plays.  Maclin had a great sideline catch that momentarily woke me up…

10:56 – This game is still going on.  Nothing has happened in just about FOREVER.  1 more quarter of this crap may be too much.  Washington is dreadful.

11:05 – An AWFUL punt from the Eagles, Washington is getting the ball at the Eagle 32 yard line…My god this better turn into a game soon. 

11:08 – What was I thinking…the Redskins line fails to show up again and Washington has to punt…and on top of that a chop block to move the Eagles out to the 26 yard line, a net of 12 yards on the punt...ahahaha I feel bad for Washington. 

11:22 – Borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.  3 and out, 3 and out, 3 and out, 3 and out, and more 3 and outs.

11:25 – And the Redskins fail inside the Eagles 5 with 5 minutes to go.  GAME.  Time to do things that matter. 

11:34 – 6 sacks for Philly now…PLEASE END.

11:41 – The Redskins finally score with 1:41 to play…27-17 now…Still no chance. 

11:45 – Washington doesn’t get the ball back on the onside kick…Even worse, the Redskins kicker made 7 practice onside kicks yet didn’t even get the ball 10 yards.  Thank god we’re done.


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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Power Rankings Week 7



Week 7 was a week of disgrace in the NFL. And I don’t mean minor embarrassments like blurting out something idiotic in public and getting laughed at. I mean embarrassing like someone stuttering like a moron in front of their crush, and then topping it off by crapping themselves. Just some awful, awful performances Sunday. But Loud Mouth Football ALWAYS knows who will and who won’t embarrass any given Sunday. Call me a genius, call me a psychic, or just call me your daddy. Anyway…MY WORD IS LAW. OBEY.


  1.) New Orleans Saints 5-0 (LW#1)

Now I hate to rub stuff in people’s faces…wait a minute…I LOVE IT. I know what I’m talking about, and all those idiot pundits know jack diddly crap. Geniuses aren’t born every day…they make themselves. But seriously, who’s been the ONLY and I mean ONLY person that had the Saints in first (for about 4 weeks too)? Oh right that’d be me. People told me “OOOH THE GIANTS DEFENSE IS SOOOOOOOOO GOOD, NEW ORLEANS WON’T SCORE ANYTHING”. Well guess what? Pinball machines don’t take weeks off. They beat New York into the ground like they were this guy. Face the facts…I know more about football than all of you.



2.) Indianapolis Colts 5-0 (LW#3)

Are you kidding? They get to play St. Louis this week? Some teams just have it lucky. Seriously I wouldn’t be surprised if the line on this game is over 100. The Rams are quite simply the worst football team I’ve seen with my two eyes since every single Detroit Lions team of all-time. Someone needs to make Peyton Pout. And soon. I can’t tolerate another MVP award.

 
3.) Denver Broncos 6-0 (LW#4)


6-0 heading into the bye…Wow…They are looking damn good, and even I didn’t see this coming.

But B.S. alert…Brandon Marshall is suddenly mature? Paaaaaaahleease. Dude’s a little whiny girl. Did you see him kick away that ball after the referee didn’t call pass interference early enough for him? Children shouldn’t be allowed to play MANsport.


4.) Minnesota Vikings 6-0 (LW#6)

The Vikings are about as likable as anyone who wears a snuggie. First off, their two best players, RB Adrian Peterson and DE Jared Allen, should be illegal. Seriously they’re like cheat codes…I’ve yet to see them NOT embarrass a team. And of course, Satan plays QB for the Vikes. God I hate Favre. WHY CAN’T BALTIMORE HIT A FIELD GOAL.


5.) New York Giants 5-1 (LW#2)

It’s about time the Giants get embarrassed by a team with a Superior Offense. Only about 16 months late…sigh… (DON’T ASK WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT) But I was quite happy about the beat-down that New Orleans delivered. After watching this video about 22 times Sunday, I nearly completely forgot about 2/3/08. …Nearly.


6.) New England Patriots 4-2 (LW#10)

He’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Honestly, I’m ashamed of how quickly I jumped all over Tom Brady. The guy’s still Godly…6 touchdowns…including 5 in the second quarter…in the snow. What knee injury? What rust? But even though I was saying that the Pats sucked, I’m almost 100% sure the reason they won is who? Me. Bulletin Board material baby. No one makes it better than me. The Pats literally kicked the Titans teeth in. Even the god-awful secondary chipped in with 2 picks, doubling the season’s total. Bye week 2 next week against Tampa Bay.



7.) Atlanta Falcons 4-1 (LW#8)

Aside from that crappy performance against the Pats, Matty Ice and the Dirty Birds have looked damn good. They finally shut down a running game, holding Bears back Matt Forte to 23 yards, and brought back the old Jay Cutler we all know and love, stealing a couple of picks. They’ll be the next team to embarrass Big D in that abomination of a stadium on Sunday.



8.) Pittsburgh Steelers 4-2 (LW#14)

The only reason they are up this high is their record, but they really haven’t been very good at all. They’ve beaten Tennessee, Detroit, Cleveland, and an overrated San Diego. Wowwwwwwwwwwwww. A tough test this week against Minnersoter.



9.) Green Bay Packers 3-2 (LW#13)

If not for all those teams sucking last week, there’s no way in hell the Pack should have moved up. I think they are actually playing without an offensive line. Seriously. The Packers have only played 5 games, yet Aaron Rodgers STILL has been sacked 6 times more than any other QB in the league. What the hell are those tubs of lard on the line doing? Eating? Amateur hour.



10.) Cincinnati Bengals 4-2 (LW#7)

WHO DEY…WHO DEY…WHO DEY GON BEAT THEM BENGALS? Houston…yeah, embarrassing.




11.) Chicago Bears 3-2 (LW#11)

The Bears have had the worst offense in the NFL. Forever. Ooooh JAY CUTLER. MATT FORTE. Amateurs. I hate watching this team play.



12.) Philadelphia Eagles 3-2 (LW#5)

I’m impressed by Philadelphia. Really. Because it takes a lot of effort to blow one against the Oakland Crapshow. Getting toasted for an 86 yard TD by a tight end that might run a 40 second 40? Awful.



13.) Miami Dolphins 2-3 (LW#15)

I don’t care if they had a bye week or the week off. The ‘Phins are moving up. I’m telling you, Chad Henne looked like he has the potential to be one of the game’s best last Monday Night. Arm Strength, Accuracy, and Perfect Touch. They are making me nervous.



14.) Baltimore Ravens 3-3 (LW#12)

The Ravens are a decent team. But they are nowhere close to great. While their defense can stop the run, they couldn’t stop the pass if they tried. Dominique Foxworth? Fabian Washington? They flat out suck. The Flacco Factor is surprisingly alright this year, but I have no idea how. Take out Derrick Mason and there are absolutely no decent wide outs on this team. Ray Rice leads the team in receptions for Christ’s sake.



15.) New York Jets 3-3 (LW#10)

What a week for the Jets. Not just one, but TWO AFC East losses in 6 days … AWESOMENESS. For all the trash-talking, bravado, and posing model QB’s who are relentless compared to Joe Namath after playing 6, I repeat 6 games, this team is exactly what everyone thought it would be…pretty mediocre. Why the hell was everyone calling Sanchez “Sanchise”? Because he’s keeping true to the Jets franchise tradition of horrible QBs? He has 8 interceptions the last 3 weeks, including 5 against Buffalo. Yeah, I said 5. You really have to try to pull that off. Still, it’s awesome to watch the Jets fail. It’s the only thing they’ve known how to do for the past 40.



16.) Houston Texans 3-3 (LW#22)

Trivia…Who has the most TD passes and 2nd most passing yards in the NFL? Answer…Matt Schaub. I’m getting back on the bandwagon, but I guarantee that I’ll end up jumping right off after they blow one to San Fran. Thank god I started the Saints bandwagon, because none of the other ones are working.




17.) Arizona Cardinals 3-2 (LW#16)

The NFC West.



18.) San Francisco 49ers 3-2 (LW#17)

Is still Crap. Why am I wasting my time?



19.) Dallas Cowboys 3-2 (LW#20)

Dear Boy Nation,

Your team is the worst team in Texas. Yes, worse than the Texans.

Sincerely,

Loud Mouth Football

P.S. You still have idiots for fans
P.P.S. And coaches.
P.P.P.S. And quarterbacks.



20.) San Diego Chargers 2-3 (LW#18)

Norv Turner Idiocy Moment 2,453:  Benching Ladanian Tomlinson on the goaline for a 5'7 170 lb guy nicknamed the lightning bug.  Bugs aren't gonna plow you into the endzone Norv.  Anyway, it was great seeing Tomlinson pout around like this idiot on the sideline after going to the sideline.  He'll be back on the injured list with another bruised ego next week.  Trust me.



21.) Buffalo Bills 2-4 (LW#29)

The Bills obviously used last week’s 29th ranking as bulletin board material. What else can use as an explanation for an ACTUAL win? A weird week for Buffalo, because everything bad that normally happens to the Bills happened to the Jets. Is the curse of Doug Flutie over? Nope. Dick Jauron is STILL head coach. Sorry Bill fans, enjoy this one while it lasts, it could be a while before win number 3.



22.) Carolina Panthers 2-3 (LW#23)

I know they played Tampa Bay, but is the running game back? They had 267 yards this Sunday and get to play a Buffalo team that gave up over 300 yards rushing to the Jets. As bad as this team has played, they could be 3-3 after this Sunday. Whatever.



23.) Jacksonville Jaguars 3-3 (LW#21)

A 3 point win against freaking St. Louis? Holy Crap…It’s like they want to move to Los Angeles. It’s a good thing for the NFL that their awful games get blacked out.



24.) Seattle Seahawks 2-4 (LW#19)

How the hell was this team the sleeper NFC West pick? This offense is absolute garbage. They can’t throw, they can’t run, and every single player gets put on the injured reserve every Sunday. Why are there so many bad teams in the NFL? NEXT.



25.) Oakland Raiders 2-4 (LW#31)

The Raiders were clearly riled up by my rankings as well (and maybe by Giant Antonio Pierce’s comments about how they suck). Wow, I’m a freaking inspiration to awful NFL teams. A regular Vince Lombardi. Hell, I’m pretty damn sure I should be a coach in this league. Really. Here’s a list of things I’d do as Raider head coach.

A. Never listen to Al Davis. Ever. Darius Heyward-Bey at pick 8? Please. Dumbasses.

B. Cut JaMarcus Russell and resign Jeff Garcia…you know the experiment is failing when the guy has a career high completion percentage of 2%. Garcia wins games.

C. Don’t punch assistant coaches in the face. I know that for some people that might be hard. But seriously. If there’s one unwritten rule in the NFL, it’s definitely to never punch your assistants in the face. You’ve gotta slap em. How the hell else did Bill Belicheck keep Eric Mangini in line?



26.) Detroit Lions 1-5 (LW#26)

No Matt Stafford. No Calvin Johnson. No hope. Lions are way better than last year, but that’s not saying much. Amateurs.



27.) Kansas City Chiefs 1-5 (LW#27)

First win of Matt Cassel, Scott Pioli era…cool, but no surprise that it came against this train wreck…



28.) Washington Redskins 2-4 (LW#28)

Some owners, like Al Davis, have excuses to be awful owners and completely destroy a once proud football team. For examples: senility, dementia, and probably the brain the size of Miss South Carolina.

But what’s Daniel Snyder’s excuse? He’s young, spry, and is supposedly a damn good business man. Why the hell does he keep shelling out $500 billion to over the hill big name free agents every 5 minutes? He’s like the guy in a fantasy football league that drafts players based off their performances from 8 years ago. DREW BLEDSOE ROUND 1 BABY.


29.) Cleveland Browns 1-5 (LW#25)

In order for the Browns to win, QB Derek Anderson MUST, and I repeat MUST have a QB rating below 16.0 to win. 51.0 like against Pittsburgh? Not gonna cut it. You’ve got to fail to succeed son!

note: Cleveland sucks at everything (even its river sucks, IT SETS ON FIRE), especially football. How much more depressed will this city get if the Cavaliers suck? I almost feel bad.




30.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-6 (LW#31)

Congratulations Bucs! Not only are you among the league’s most pathetic teams, you get to sacrifice one of your home games to play in LONDON! Against the Patriots! Who suddenly can play offense! Not to mention you guys still suck! Mwahaha, will be fun.



31.) St. Louis Rams 0-6 (LW #32)

They get a brief break from the cellar after nearly playing real football against Jacksonville…but the main reason are these clowns below.


32.) Tennessee Titans 0-6 (LW#24)

Can you believe I was actually nervous about the Pats-Titans game entering this week? Jesus, you literally have to TRY to fail at coverage as bad as Tennessee did last Sunday. I don’t care if your two starting corners are out for the game…It’s still the NFL, don’t you have TALENT? ANY? After seeing that abomination of a performance by the Titan secondary, I’ve decided that playing corner for the Titans is my backup career plan. I’d have 200% job security with that crap patrolling the deep.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Monday Night Diaries Week 6

Nothing like some Monday Night Football to cap off a great football week. I can't describe to you all how pumped I am about what happened. First off, I was COMPLETELY FREAKING RIGHT about the Saints. They beat the G-Men into the ground like they were Braylon Edwards at a Cleveland nightclub. Second, TOMMY'S BACK. I've never seen a team so embarrassed like the Titans. Is it even possible to give up 45 points in one half? Jeez. Finally, not only did the Jets lose, they choked away a game in the most hilarious way possible. Top that off with a 5 interception day by future bust Mark Sanchez, and BOY what a weekend. And now...Broncos, Chargers, TAKE 1.

7:50 - 40 Minutes to game time and a near all out brawl…I cannot wait for this one to get started…surprisingly

8:11 - Funny to hear Matt Millen chastising the Chargers for pre-game brawls…after all he’s the guy who once punched Pats owner Billy Sullivan in the face after a game…How does this clown have a job? As an analyst? I’m pretty sure that anyone else would be better. Anyone. Even John “cryptkeeper” Clayton.

8:46 – Charger secondary gets completely tooled on by Brandon Marshall, yet they still proceed to jaw at him like they just won the Super Bowl. All San Diego has done the last 2 years is get absolutely burnt deep every play like some 2 year old kid playing Madden and using field goal block every play on defense. I hate San Diego and their swagger. They’ve done crap since their existence yet still strut around like they won every Super Bowl and as if their coach isn’t Norv Turner. 8-8 last year. 8-8.

8:55 –
Fun Facts:
A: Phillip Rivers just threw a two handed pass…looked like the amateur that was our flag football QB this season…not mentioning any names…Alex…

B: Ladanian Tomlinson’s ego is finally healed…and he’s gashing the Broncs as if he isn’t an old man who’s over the hill. This is saddening.

8:59 – San Diego is making the Denver defense look like trash…why the hell couldn’t we? 93 yards in like 4 plays…embarrassing…thank god the Pats are back on track

9:01 – Norv Turner idiotic move 1 of 200…putting in Darren Sproles on 3rd and short from the two…What the hell were you thinking? Not only is putting a 170 pound shrimp in as a goalline back stupid…you re-bruised Ladanian’s ego. Now he’s stomping around the sideline like the 10 year old little girl he is. What a baby. And what a bad coach. 3-0 San Diego.

9:04 – Hahaha…How much more can you piss off Tomlinson? The Chargers special teams do what they do best…missing tackles and letting Eddie Royal run straight through them for a 93 yard kickoff return and the Broncs take a 7-3 lead…Amateur Hour part 1.

9:11 – San Diego is really running the football with ease…Tomlinson is gashing the Broncos defense up the middle like its easy.

9:13 – How many ugly duck passes are we gonna see from Phillip Rivers? I don’t think I’ve seen one spiral thus far. Broncos defense looking like poo.

9:15 – Rivers to 9 foot tall Vincent Jackson for the TD on the 2nd…wide freaking open…It’s amazing how bad the Denver D is playing…Chargers up 10-7 just before the end of the first.

9:24 – The Charger pass rush/ secondary is a disgrace…Kyle Orton literally had 20 minutes to throw there and found Jabar Gaffney deep. Do you know who sucks? Shawne Merriman and Shaun Phillips…they couldn’t get a sack against my high school with the way they’re playing this year.

9:29 – This game is flying by...Only 8:03 left in the 2nd quarter…Meanwhile, Brandon Marshall is quite the primadonna…kicking the ball because he didn’t get a call for pass interference (which he ultimately ended up getting). He needs to take a chill pill, because he just cost Denver a 1st…

9:31 – Incomplete on 3rd down, and the Broncos settle for a field goal…10-10

9:38 – THERE’S THE DENVER D…Rivers sacked on 3rd down, and the chargers finally about to punt…

9:39 – ROYAL TO THE HOUSE…Wow, the Chargers are crapping themselves on kick coverage and Eddie Royal is singlehandedly destroying San Diego’s souls. He hasn’t even been touched on either TD return…17-10 Broncs

9:46 - With Brian Dawkins sidelined with an uknown injury, there is no one on San Diego that can even HOPE to match up with Antonio Gates. He’s been wide freaking open every freaking play…Are they even trying here?

9:52 – San Diego’s drive stalls and they have to kick a field goal…Yesssssssssssssssss. Meanwhile, Nate Kaeding tied Mike Vanderjagt as the most accurate kicker of all-time…what the hell? Vanderjagt? When I think of that clown, all I can remember are
A: Trash-talking the Patriots (He was a kicker)
B: Shanking a game winning kick against the Patriots days after trash-talking
C: Shanking a game tying field goal against Pittsburgh in the playoffs

9:58 – Sign of the apocalypse: Jon Gruden calling a Darren Sproles punt return TD…and being correct…these teams are pathetic on special teams. Three kick return TDs, and on all three the returner wasn’t even touched.

10:02 – Broncos short on the field goal…HALFTIME

10:23 – Shawne Merriman hasn’t had a sack since 2007…I LOVE the NFL.

10:30 – Denver is leaving a guy open every play…whether its Gates or Mike Tolbert, Rivers is getting the ball away and the Broncos aren’t doing crap to stop them.

10:34 – Kaeding drills home another field goal…Bolts up 23-17

10:41 – I am really not enjoying watching this game. Call me bored..call me lazy…but I just don’t feel like watching this much. Whatever.

10:44 – NOW I’m interested…a hell of a throw from Kyle Orton and a hell of a catch from Scheffler, and the Broncos lead 24-23. SUCK IT San Diego..

10:52 – AND A SAN DIEGO FUMBLE, Denver ball…I love watching Phillip Rivers throw temper tantrums…STAY CLASSY SAN DEGO.

10:59 – 4th quarter underway…and Brandon Marshall still embarrassing the San Diego secondary…what a pathetic group…they made New England’s performance last week look good.

11:01 – Kyle Orton rushes a throw on a three man rush and Denver’s held to a field goal…27-23 Broncs

11:08 – Elvis Dumervil all over the place for the Broncos…2 straight 3rd down sacks…one drive can put it away for Denver.

11:28 – San Diego drives…but a huge stop by the Broncs on 4th down….OH BABY OH BABY I want this game to end….

11:31 – GAME OVER…Broncos take an 11 point lead on the Chargers after an Orton to Stokely TD with just under 3 minutes to play…Bye byeeeeeee San Diego. Gotta love the Norv Turner tantrum to cap it off…beautiful.

11:43 –Nate Kaeding misses a 55 yard field goal…and Denver is going to be 6-0…I’m at least surprised that Norv Turner has the common sense to not go for it on 4th and 21…GAME OVER OFFICIALLY.

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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Power Rankings Week 6

They’re out late, but the power rankings are back…as always, MY WORD IS LAW

1.) New Orleans Saints 4-0 (LW#1)


New Orleans had a bye week to rest up the pinball machine for the G-Men. I think it bodes well. SAINTS ROLL.

2.) New York Giants 5-0 (LW#2)

Random fact: Steve Smith (the other Steve Smith) leads the NFL in receptions and receiving yards. WHAT THE HELL? Meanwhile, Eli Manning’s foot is hurting. Sure it didn’t show up last week against Oakland, but the Raiders never fail to make QBs like Ryan Leaf look like Jesus. This week against an underrated New Orleans defense Manning will struggle, and the Giants are gonna drop in the rankings…YES.

3.) Indianapolis Colts 5-0 (LW#3)

Do they ever lose? Seriously. I don’t remember the Colts having lost a game in like 3 years. It’s really getting to me. I haven’t seen a Manning pout in 2 years, from EITHER Manning. Disgraceful.

4.) Denver Broncos 5-0 (LW#12)

Ok…they are actually legit. That defense made the Rust Brady show look pitiful and allowed the Broncs to hang around. QB Kyle Orton looked damn good. Not the biggest arm but he’s accurate and doesn’t make mistakes. Reminding me of a not-injured Chad Pennington.

5.) Philadelphia Eagles 3-1 (LW#5)


I know they are beating the crap out of all of the worst teams in the NFL, (and will keep that streak going against Oakland and Washington) but they are winning with authority. The Eagles offense is just as good as New Orleans. With all these weapons: McNabb, Westbrook, Jackson, Curtis, McCoy, and Maclin, how can’t you dominate? You’d have to be Norv Turner to screw that offense up.

6.) Minnesota Vikings 5-0 (LW#6)

I was really happy that no one in the media talked about Brett Favre this week. That bonerfest courtesy of Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden, and Ron Jaworski two weeks ago was nauseating. Baltimore better keep it that way this week.

7.) Cincinnati Bengals 4-1 (LW#11)


WHO DEY? WHO DEY? WHO DEY GON BEAT DEM BENGALS. The Cardiac Cats have won all 4 of their games in the last minutes, and are still just an Act of god play away from 5 and 0. Who in their right mind thought they’d be leading the AFC North at any point this season?

8.) Atlanta Falcons 3-1 (LW #9)

Hotlanta appears to be back on track after beating the crap out of a decent San Francisco team. Another tough test Sunday night against DA BEARs.

9.) New York Jets 3-2 (LW#8)


This may sound biased coming from a Pats fan, but how can any NFL fan NOT hate the Jets? Seriously? They got the crap kicked out of them on Monday Night by Miami and are STILL talking smack. Check out this idiocy from the Sun-Sentinel:

“In a New York Times column, Jets linebacker Calvin Pace called Miami’s Chad Henne, a “second-year clown quarterback” after the Dolphins' win Monday night.
He didn't stop there. Of the Wildcat, Pace said: "I can't respect that stuff because we're in the NFL, man. If you're out there running that nonsense, it's crap."
Pace did say of Henne: "You have to give him credit, but our defense lost the game today.”

Really Calvin Pace? The only thing you’ve this season is sit out 4 games for roiding up. How about you actually make a play…let alone win a game…before you call a QB that tore your average defense apart a clown. Is the Wildcat crap? Because the ‘Phins shoved it down your throat for a good 120 yards. I’m gonna guess that the Jets are just complete idiots. Yet another reason why the New York Jets are an embarrassment to the NFL…They thought they won the Super Bowl three weeks ago against New England and have sucked ever since. I know Rex Ryan has the I.Q. of a 5 year old (and it likely applies to the rest of the team), but come on New York, it’s a 16 game season. Just shut up and play so I don’t have to read about your mediocre team for the rest of the season.

And we’ll continue to rip on the Jets…Not only did they trash talk (again…after a loss), but big man Rex blamed the loss on who? The scout team offense. Yes, the scout team offense. The guys who AREN’T on the field. Not the defense that made Chad Henne look like Dan Marino and let the Miami running backs stomp all over them like they were a bunch of fairies. NEXT.

10.) New England Patriots 3-2 (LW#5)


I’ll say it now…Tom Brady looks like garbage. He’s overthrowing Moss on wide open deep balls, hitting Welker in the foot when he could easily score a TD. And unlike the Jets, who apparently have the right to talk crap and blame everyone but their-selves when they lose, Brady has no one to blame but himself. The offensive line is giving him all day to throw, yet he still keeps making bad tosses. The good news is that Tommy has 3 week basically bye weeks to get his act together (Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and an actual bye). It should be especially easy this week against Tennessee, who will be without starting corners Nick Harper and Cortland Finnegan…Please don’t screw this up Tom.

11.) Chicago Bears 3-1 (LW#13
)

They were off last week after embarrassing the already embarrassing Detroit Lions. Whatever. The defense is damn good, but I’m still not sold on Jay Cutler, and I still think the offense is horrible.

12.) Baltimore Ravens 3-2 (LW #7)


NEWSFLASH: the Ravens are not that good. Exhibit A: Exposed by New England (conveniently blaming the referees) Exhibit B: Exposed by Cincinnati. The Pass defense is pathetic in Baltimore…they can barely rush the passer and couldn’t cover me. I don’t’ care if Ed Reed is patrolling the deep, when Dominique Foxworth and Fabian Washington are your starting corners, you are SCREWED.

13.) Green Bay Packers 2-2 (LW#15)

The Pack had the week off to shake off the embarrassment of actually making Brett Favre look like a capable QB. Playing the Lions and Brownies the next two weeks will give them some confidence to shut down Satan in two weeks.

14.) Pittsburgh Steelers 3-2 (LW#16)


This Sunday, I learned that Steeler fans can’t deal with criticism. How?

I was at a local bar to catch the Pats game on a big screen. Naturally, everyone was being a hater, obviously jealous of my sick Randy Moss jersey and the fact that Boston dominates at all sports. But one clown in particular was even more ridiculous. The dude, wearing a Steeler jersey, was clapping up a !@%storm whenever the Broncos got a first down, or if the Pats threw an incomplete pass. I didn’t mind for a while, but it got to a certain point where it got completely obnoxious.

So in typical loudmouth fashion, I hollered sarcastically “WOOOOOOO WE BEAT DETROIT BY 8 POINTS, SUPER BOWL BABY”, poking fun at the fact that the Steelers barely squeaked away with a win against a craptastic team. But in typical, classless, Pittsburgh fashion, the kid went ape!@# on me. After a long rant about how I’m a pussy freshman, he finally concluded that I am kicked out the bar. Forever. I laughed because I was shocked on how such an innocent statement had completely rattled a Steeler fan. Must be a bummer to watch their mess of a team stink it up on a regular basis.

Anyway, if you want a FANTASTIC bar experience to watch NFL games at a place where it doesn’t smell awful and isn’t run by a bunch of roiding pump-monkeys…Head to HARRY’s ON SOUTH CROUSE. WOOOOOOOOO. Awesome times. No sarcasm there at all.

15.) Miami Dolphins 2-3 (LW#19)

The Dolphins could already run all over everyone. Now they can pass? What the hell is going on in South Florida?

Anyway, I think we are seeing the start of something really special in Chad Henne. He looked unbelievable Monday Night against the Jets.

16.) Arizona Cardinals 2-2 (LW#18)

The NFC West…

17.) San Francisco 49ers 3-2 (LW#11)


Is crap.

18.) San Diego Chargers 2-2 (LW#17)


And so is San Diego.

19.) Seattle Seahawks 2-3 (LW#22)

Everyone paints Chad Ochocinco as a villain for being a primadonna and jerk for his career in Cincy. (By the way, he isn’t) But is it possible that T.J. Houshmanzadeh was worse? Forget about his pissy rant about not being rated high enough in Madden NFL 10. Because that’s Sooooooo Important. Did anyone hear about what this clown was blabbing about this week?

"‘I just got to get these coaches to realize, throw me the ball,’ Houshmandzadeh said Friday, another variation on a public request he's had for weeks. ‘Maybe I've said it too much," he said. "I just got to show them now.’…‘I'm trying to earn my money one way or the other, man. If I don't earn it on Sunday, I'll earn it during the week,’ Houshmandzadeh said with a big smile.”

Does this moron realize that he has the 10th most receptions in the NFL? Jesus, shut up and grow a pair T.J.. I’m so sick of these primadonna receivers.

20.) Dallas Cowboys 3-2 (LW#21)

If anyone on Kansas City could actually make a tackle, the Cowboys would be 2-3. But no…not only do the Chiefs blow it; they give up 250 yards to Miles Austin. Miles…Freaking…Austin…Can everyone please acknowledge that Dallas + Wade Phillips + Tony Romo = EPIC FREAKING FAIL. God I hate the Boys.

21.) Jacksonville Jaguars 2-3 (LW#14)

I feel like I am slowly destroying my friend Dominic by hyping the Jags, only to jinx them to the most pathetic performances of all-time week after week. Did you see last week? Disgrace to the game of football. How do you get shut out, by of all teams, freaking SEATTLE. Amateur Hour. Sorry Dom.

22.) Houston Texans 2-3 (LW#20)


Not.

23.) Carolina Panthers 1-3 (LW#24)

Gonna.

24.) Tennessee Titans 0-5 (LW#22)

Even.

25.) Cleveland Browns 1-4 (LW#29)


Waste.

26.) Detroit Lions 1-4 (LW#26)


My.

27.) Kansas City Chiefs 0-5 (LW#27)


Time.

28.) Washington Redskins 2-3 (LW#28)


On.

29.) Buffalo Bills 1-4 (LW#25)


These.

30.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-5 (LW#30)


God.

31.) Oakland Raiders 1-4 (LW#31)

Awful.

32.) St. Louis Rams 0-5 (LW#32)


Abominations.

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Monday, October 12, 2009

Monday Night Diaries Week 5

Miami back in action on Monday Night at Landshark Stadium…Interesting because I feel the Dolphins still have a legitimate shot to challenge in the AFC East, especially after the Patriots loss yesterday. But bad news…John Gruden is on the mic, and the Dolphins run the wildcat. This could get ugly folks. The only thing that makes Gruden happy other than Brett Favre is the wildcat formation, and he drools over this gimmick like it’s a prime-rib double cut. You thought last Monday was bad? Please. I guarantee that not only will I, but you will hit the mute button by halftime.

But I did get pumped up for the game by listening to this…I like the Phish…we’ll see what happens.

8:40 – Hispanic Heritage month in the NFL…Mark Antony national anthem…two commercials in Spanish…Hell even Hank Williams Jr’s “Are You Ready For Some Football?” song was en espanol…I’m getting freaked out

8:45 – The Dolphins throw out of the wildcat the first time this year for a 20 yard gain: cue Gruden bonerfest.

8:46 – I know it’s early, but the Jets defense looks like absolute garbage. Brown and Rickaaaaaaaay are breaking tackles and bowling over Jet defenders. New York doesn’t want to touch either of them with a 10 foot pole.

8:47 – False start…called in Spanish…hahaha sounded pretty cool.

8:50 – Jets getting pushed around…I’M LOVING IT…New York takes a time out.

8:54 – Ronnie Brown punches it in, 7-0 fish after a 7 and a half minute drive….The one great thing about Dolphin games…they sure move quick.

9:00 – Jets run the Wildcat (they call it the Seminole) and get NOTHIN. WOO 3 and OUT.

9:01 – But the Jets fake the punt…Sean Weatherford with a huge gain and the Jets are in business…my god Miami you can’t get out run by a freaking punter. Amateur Hour. Jets suddenly driving.

9:07 – Jets even it up, on a TD pass to newcomer Braylon Edwards. Kind of a surprise coming from the NFL’s King of drops…God I hate New York

9:12 – RICKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. HUGE 60 yard gain on the screen…must be some gold old Jamaican grass growing on that side of the field…

9:15 – ‘Phins only get a field goal…PLEASE DON’T TURN INTO THE INDY GAME MIAMI. They can’t finish drives for their lives…

9:22 – The Jets running game is awful this season…Thomas Jones is nowhere near what he used to be, and Leon Washington can only do so much. I’m telling you…the lack of a run game is going to end up killing the Jets. (Along with Mark Sanchez)

9:25 – That’s twice that Sanchez has been bailed out by touchy pass interference and contact calls…people can say all the good things they want to about Tony Dungy, but the fact of the matter is that his complaining after the Patriots beat the crap out of the Colts receivers in the 2003 playoffs was the beginning of the girlification of the NFL. Defenders can’t do anything anymore.

9:32 – Jeez, the Jets can’t stop Ricky Williams or Ronnie Brown to save their lives…Even when they get wrapped up they get about 5 extra yards. I should attribute it to the skill of the Dolphin running backs, but I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s because the Jets are sissies. WRAP UP AND DRIVE.

9:46 – Sanchez has got himself some serious happy-feet…if you pressure him he starts bouncing around like he’s in Riverdance…Keep up the pressure and he’s going to keep making bad throws.

9:48 – Jets tie it up with a 40 yard field goal…Dolphins dominating on offense and playing well defensively but doing what has killed them thus far, letting the other team hang around.

9:55 – Dolphins playing pretty conservatively coming out of the two minute warning…Same old conservative Sparano we saw when the Dolphins took on Indy…Come one Miami, you gotta be aggressive to win in this league. If you sit on your asses, you aren’t gonna do crap. Running on third and seventeen? My god. And Gruden actually applauded the move.

9:58 – Jets have the ball in Miami territory just one play into the drive. STILL FEEL THE SAME JON. Moron on the mic, my God.

10:01 – Jets hit a field goal and its 13-10 just before the half…A shot of Rex Ryan… and HOLY CRAP IS HE HUGE. Dude’s gut sticks out a good 4 feet.

10:20 – Back from the half, and the Jets go 3 and out, as Sanchez nearly throws a pick… Meanwhile, Pauly has some Burger King. Nothing like a BK Tendercrisp the night before surgery.

10:25 – Dolphins answer with a 3 and out of their own, but a damn good punt inside the 5. Why do the Patriots have a guy that can only shank the ball out of bounds or kick a touchback… and everyone else has a real punter?

10:30 – The girlification of the NFL continues. Gibril Wilson lays out a tight end with a great hit, and an unnecessary roughness gives the Jets a first down…Dolphins secondary is getting flat out robbed thus far…refs are ruining them.

10:32 – The Jets can’t run…New York will punt…Meanwhile Mr. Ochocinco of the fightin Hard Knocks is in the Miami party press box. Here for the hell of it? Or maybe he thinks he’s Hispanic because of his new last name…either way it’s hilarious.

10:39 – Ronnie Brown is an awesome running back…Wildcat or not, he is singlehandedly embarrassing the New York defense. He just broke Darrell Revis’s ankle. Twice. On the same play.

10:44 – RICKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY…WOW what a play…wildcat handoff to Ricky Williams on 3rd and 6 and he jumps over three Jet defenders for the first.

10:50 – Dolphins inside the 5 yard line…HENNE…HENNE…HENNE…HENNE BEAT THE JETSssssss…. A great touch pass to Sal Fasano in the back of the end zone and the Phins take a 17-13 lead.

10:53 – Sanchez bombs one to Clowney and the Jets are in business…Oh god.

10:57 – Wow. Wow. Braylon Edwards with an unbelievable catch and the Jets take the lead again. If he plays like this the Jets are going to be frightening. Holy Crap. Holy Holy Crap. And they got him for a third round pick? Cleveland looking pretty stupid right now.

11:03 - Update: The play is challenged and the Jets get the ball at the one. In his typical classy self, Rex Ryan says “THAT’S F*!@#!& BULL!@%^” Atta boy Rex. Jets Score on a 1 yard TD run, 20-17.

11:08 – Chad Henne looking really good throwing the football for Miami against a very good Jet defense…14-18 for 150+ yards so far…

11:09 – SPEAK OF THE DEVIL…Chad Henne bombs it to Tedd Ginn for a 50 yard TD. Who would have thought the QB to dominate the Jets would be this guy…IT’S HIS SECOND START. IT’S TEDD GINNS FIRST NON-DROP OF A BIG PASS ALL-TIME HAHAHAHA…this is great…but wait…the Pats have to play him with that craptastic secondary of theirs…OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

11:17 – There’s the Braylon Edwards we all know and love. PLUNK. Right off the hands. Amateur Hour Part 300. I could have caught that with my broken finger and my good hand tied behind my back. 3 and out and the Dolphins have yet another chance to put a team away on Monday Night football. Will they do it?

11:23 – Dolphins 3 and out…I’m telling you that’s the one thing keeping this team from competing, they don’t know how to curb stomp the opposition when they’re biting the dust.

11:26 – Epic measurement fail. The refs bring out the chains on a third down completion to see if the Jets got it, and New York made the first by a good three yards. Pathetic. But funny.

11:27 – Ok refs, this is absolutely ridiculous. How the hell are the refs making these pass interference calls? Seriously? Braylon Edwards was pushing around just as much as Will Allen. A 49 yard penalty on the ‘Phins on a horse!@#$ call. This is awful. Awful. Defenders can’t do anything. We may as well put skirts on everyone because this league has gotten so girly it’s an abomination to the sport. (BTW Braylon Edwards dropped the pass on a sure TD).

11:28 – Jets score next play and take the lead 27-24. Miami can’t get a break.

11:32 – The Dolphins are STILL pounding the ball on the ground down the Jets throat. That’s the blueprint to beat New York. Run 'em up and down the field, and kick them in the face while you’re at it.

11:38 – Big 3rd down for the Phins at the Jet 30…AND A HELL OF A THROW FROM CHADE HENNE. Wow. This kid is going to be very, very good. A perfect pass and a perfect catch. How 'bout them fightin ‘Phins.

11:41 – Another big 3rd down… and ANOTHER big throw from Mr. Henne. This guy has a cannon and can put the ball right on the money… Wow….

11:43 – ANOTHER 3rd down – RONNIE BROWN IN THE END ZONE FOR 6 WITH 6 SECONDS TO PLAY! Wow, I’m getting way into this. I hate the Dolphins. But I really hate the Jets. Hmm…Not looking forward to Miami November 8th.

11:46 – One last shot for the Jets with 4 to play…Hail Mary time…and probably the worst throw I’ve ever seen…hahaha. Ball was 15 yards short of everyone…PHINS WIN!

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Sunday, October 11, 2009

Jackass/Stone Cold Killer Week 4

JACKASS OF THE WEEK



Is there even a question? This loser is an embarrassment to QBs in the NFL.

Here’s a question I’ve been asking for the last 2 years. Why the hell was this guy considered an elite QB, let alone good? Has anyone seen him play?



People compare him to Brett Favre and act as if that’s a good thing. Wow, he can keep a play alive 5 seconds longer than it should be instead of avoiding unnecessary risks and throwing it away or taking a sack. Great.

His best year? 2007, when he threw 36 TDs…impressive, but not when you take into account that he also had 19 picks, tied for 2nd most in the NFL. Hell, he had more picks than Favre (15). And don’t forget that abomination of a performance on October 8th against Buffalo. 5 Picks. Hard to throw that many…



Last week’s game was no different. He didn’t throw as many picks (only 1), but you’d never know it with all the times he threw it at Bronco cornerback Champ Bailey. Not only that, but he got sacked 5 times and fumbled away another turnover to let Denver escape with the win.



And there were some AWFUL, AWFUL passes. One comes to mind, when Romo had Roy Williams wide open running a post route. Romo threw the ball way to high and hard, and Williams had to jump extremely high to have a shot at catching it. But it didn’t matter. Denver safety Brian Dawkins came out of nowhere and destroyed Roy. Practically killed him. He hit him square in the stomach, and Williams needed a few trainers to get him off the field.



But the best example of what a joke Romo is came after Denver scored the go-ahead touchdown with just under 2 minutes to go. Fox gave a close up of Romo’s face immediately after the score. Instead of a face you’d see from Tom Brady or Peyton Manning (where they’d look like they are 100% confident they are not going to score just one, but two touchdowns in the 2 minute drill), Romo had an expression on his mug that read “OH !@#% I HAVE TO DRIVE IN THE LAST TWO MINUTES…AWW MAN…SHOULDA BROUGHT MY DIAPER”.



Do you still want an amateur like this clown as your QB? Even Cowboy fans, arguably the most irrational fans in America, knew they were completely screwed as soon as Marshall scored. No quarterback should ever make their team feel like that. Unless they’re Rex Grossman. I want a man at QB. Not a jackass.



STONE COLD KILLER OF THE WEEK





Ed Reed? Troy Polamalu? Who the hell are they?



Alright, I’m kidding. I nicknamed Polamalu the “God of Defense”, and Ed Reed is a hell of a player. But there’s another safety (back) on the block. He’s making more plays than those two combined. And he plays for the Saints. REALLY THE SAINTS?



Yes really the Saints. I’ve been drilling it into your heads for the last few weeks, this team is damn good and actually has a capable defense for once. That defense is led by Darren Sharper.



Sharper is completely dominating right now. 5 picks? That’s just the start. He has 2 touchdowns of 97 and 99 yards each and is averaging 55 yards per return. That’s as Ed Reedesque as you can get.



But he was out of this world against the Jets. He destroyed Mark Sanchez’s confidence with 2 interceptions, and his 99 yard TD was an early backbreaker for the J-E-T-S. That’s how stone-cold killers do it.


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Friday, October 9, 2009

Power Rankings Week 5

The Power Rankings are back…and better than ever, because they are better than everyone else’s. Really. MY WORD IS LAW


1.) New Orleans Saints 4-0 (LW #1)


To all the people who said I was crazy to put the Saints in first…LOOK WHO'S CRAZY NOW YOU JACKASSES. I don’t care if the Jets and Ravens looked unbeatable going into week 4. THEY ARE WHO I THOUGHT THEY WERE. And now I’m letting you off the hook…sort of. You were wrong, I was right. Happens when you deal with legendary football analysts. Just gotta roll with it. Look, the fact of the matter is the Saints have been shelling everyone thus far (last week’s win against New York was only by a season low 14). The offense? Still the pinball machine and still putting up gaudy numbers. But the defense? They have 13 takeaways, and are 1st in the NFL in interceptions with 10. The root of the domination? Safety Darren Sharper, who has 5 picks thus far, two touchdowns, and is averaging 55 yards per return. Plus, he made Mark Sanchez cry like a little girl this week, picking him off twice and taking one back 99 yards to the house. Saints are for real guys. You can still jump on my bandwagon.
2.) New York Giants 4-0 (LW #2)

Wow…New York beat Kansas City…tough. Oakland next…tougher. What crap, the one game that a Manning is ever injured for they get to play an organization more screwed up than the New York Knicks. Hell, their coach might be in jail on Sunday! Giants fans have become an interesting bunch. While at a local bar, I’ve found it fun as hell to watch them freak out at the fact that they were only beating Kansas City by 17... They’re probably pissed because they knew they wouldn’t be moving up in my power rankings unless they destroy the crap teams on their schedule. (which the Saints have done.)

3.) Indianapolis Colts 4-0 (LW #6)

I hate to admit that Peyton Manning is good. But what the crap? I know he has Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark. But who the hell are Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, and how the hell is he doing this without Marvin Harrison or a real running game? I am completely bamboozled by how well this team is playing.

4.) Philadelphia Eagles 2-1 (LW #5)

I don’t understand why everyone has the Eagles so low in their rankings. If not for McNabb getting injured against Carolina they would have played a lot better against New Orleans. He’ll likely be back this week, along with partner in crime RB Brian Westbrook. And even without them, the offense is more than good enough to destroy the opposition (his backup Kolb has over 300 yards the last 2 weeks). Plus, the Eagles get the added bonus of playing Tampa Bay, Oakland, and Washington in consecutive weeks. Everyone else will have them back up here when they win the next 3 by 20 points. BUT WHO HAD THEM FIRST?

5.) New England Patriots 3-1 (LW #7)

They’re playing some shaky football and are getting every little break (from penalties to drops) but the fact of the matter is that the good teams get lucky. Sure they are absolutely awful on third downs and the cornerbacks look pretty bad, but the rest of the defense is playing pretty damn well. Especially the safeties. Brandon McGowan is hitting people like a freight train and Brandon Meriweather is playing out of his mind. All they need is to get Jerod Mayo back on the field.

6.) Minnesota Vikings 4-0 (LW #8)

Whatever. Anyone who saw the crap-show on Monday Night knows how ridiculous the Favre loving got. And everyone who saw the game knows the Vikes only won because Green Bay couldn’t protect Aaron Rodgers if their life depended on it (8 sacks). I’m begging the world to acknowledge that defense, not Brett Favre, wins championships.

7.) Baltimore Ravens 3-1 (LW #3)

Why they are who I thought they were:

Last week I said: “. I use Baltimore’s game against San Diego as a true measuring stick. They played well enough on offense to win, but that pass defense was just awful. They gave Phillip Rivers a career day with 436 yards by air…the secondary better get their act together”

Was I right or what? A rusty Tom Brady picked the Ravens apart, getting his best passer rating so far on the year (100.8), for 258 yards, and Baltimore didn’t put nearly enough pressure on him to win. Blame the refs all you want Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, your secondary is trash.

8.) New York Jets 3-1 (LW #4)

Why they are who I thought they were:

I don’t care if you have the ’85 Bears or actual Bears on your defense. The fact of the matter is that when you have a completely inept QB and get behind early, you are going to lose. And it wasn’t the Jets who got down early. It was 100% Mark Sanchez, who had 4 turnovers (3 picks, 1 fumble), two of which resulted in defensive touchdowns and their 24-10 defeat. Amateur Hour. NEXT.

9.) Atlanta Falcons 2-1 (LW #9)

They were off last week, and hopefully addressed those problems exposed by the Patriots. New England beat the dirty-birds into the ground with a physical run game…It’ll be a tough matchup this week against a very physical San Fran.

10.) San Francisco 49ers 2-1(LW #11)

The NFC West is garbage. Proof? Everyone gets to play the Rams, who haven’t scored since 1999. Meanwhile, Michael Crabtree finally agreed to a contract with the 49ers. I don’t know about you guys, but I think we’re seeing the making of a jackass bigger than T.O. I’m serious. The guy got picked 10th overall, hasn’t played a down in a preseason game, but for some reason thinks he’s owed more money because he might have been picked 1st overall. And people think Chad Ochocinco is a jackass…

11.) Cincinnati Bengals 3-1 (LW #14)

I wouldn’t be one of them. Ochocinco is probably my favorite non-Patriot. People say he’s a jackass…but I find him hilariously awesome. I’m really looking forward to reading his new book. And I’m 100% serious.

Surprisingly, the fighting Bungles are still only an “Act of God” play away from being 4-0. It’s been a weird four weeks in the NFL…

12.) Denver Broncos 4-0 (LW #21)

Another WHAT THE !@#% moment for the NFL. Really? 4-0? With all the crap that happened in this offseason (McDaniels, Cutler trade, Brandon Marshall) it’s pretty surprising. Then again, they have played the likes of Cleveland, Oakland, and Dallas (don’t forget about the Act of God play). First real test against the Pats this Sunday.

13.) Chicago Bears 3-1 (LW #13)

Da Bears are off this week, and I still don’t know what to make of them. Other than I still think Jay Cutler is going to Favre them over (In case you were watching ESPN Monday night, Favre means screw over, it doesn’t mean perfect NFL player who loves having fun). However, the defense is good. We’ll see what happens next week against Atlanta.

14.) Jacksonville Jaguars 2-2 (LW #17)

I’m officially and completely off the Texan bandwagon for the rest of the season (I swear), and completely on the Jaguars. Why? Because Jacksonville hadn’t had a good passing game since the days of Mark Brunell and Jimmy Smith… until now. David Garrard doesn’t throw downfield much, but he doesn’t’ make mistakes either. And when he does toss the ball, he has 2nd year man Mike Sims-Walker to air it out to. If he’s available in your fantasy league (and he very well may be), pick him up. GO NOW.

15.) Pittsburgh Steelers 2-2 (LW #15)

They looked like their old selves when they were beating an unphysical, girly (AJ Smith said so) San Diego team into the ground, up 28-zip late in the third. But somehow, San Diego came out of nowhere and came back to within 7 before the Steelers put it away late with a field goal. They really, really need the God of Defense back.

16.) Green Bay Packers 2-2 (LW #12)

Things to classify as embarrassing for your team:

A. Getting sacked 8 times
B. Letting Brett Favre completely destroy you
C. IT’S BRETT FAVRE WHAT THE HELL

Its weird that Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers had 384 yards passing, the Pack defense completely shut down Adrian Peterson (55 yards, 2.2 YPC, and a strip-6), and Green Bay still lost. 8 sacks will do that. 8 SACKS. Awful.

17.) San Diego Chargers 2-2 (LW #10)

You know you’re in trouble when your GM (AJ Smith) calls the team soft. As if having Norv Turner as head coach wasn’t bad enough. But it’s true. Ladanian Tomlinson has sit out every single meaningful game over the past few years with a bruised ego, and the only thing "star linebacker" Shawne Merriman has been hitting (other than the needle) is Tila Tequila. Allegedly. The fact of the matter is that Merriman has been completely overrated his entire career. All he does is run straight upfield and pray a QB runs into him. He’s been figured out. And he got jacked up by a Stone Cold Killer half his size. The lights are out on “Lights Out”.

18.) Arizona Cardinals 1-2 (LW #19)

Ehh…they were off last week and get to play Houston. Larry Fitzgerald needs to step it up.

19.) Miami Dolphins 1-3 (LW #24)

The Dolphins should just completely abandon passing the football. They are murdering everyone on the ground. Their 734 yards are tops in the NFL by a whopping 70 yards. Take away that choke job against Indy and they are 2-2. Hmmm.

20.) Houston Texans 2-2 (LW #18)

They’ve beaten two awful teams in Tennessee and Oakland. WHY DID EVERYONE HYPE THEM AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON? Lesson: Don’t listen to anyone. Ever.

21.) Dallas Cowboys 2-2 (LW #16)

How was Tony Romo ever considered an elite QB? How the hell does he still have a job? Why is Wade Phillips a head coach in the NFL? Why is Wade Phillips a coach of any kind? Why does anyone think that Terrence Newman can shut down me, let alone any wide receiver? Why the hell does this mediocre franchise get to play in a 1 billion dollar stadium with an 9 billion foot jumbotron? Why is Ed Werder basing his career off covering an irrelevant franchise for ESPN? Why are Cowboys fans such morons? “Where’s Troy Aikman? Where’s Emmitt Smith?” Why am I freaking about this? AHGHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHH. Screw Dallas.

22.) Seattle Seahawks 1-3 (LW #20)

They had a shot this year if everyone didn’t hurt. The entire team got hurt. NEXT.

23.) Tennessee Titans 0-4 (LW #22)

At first I was surprised that Tennessee is winless…But upon further review, the secondary is garbage, tied for 31st in the league giving up 282.3 yards a game. And with great luck, they get to play Indy this week. It could be a massacre…

24.) Carolina Panthers 0-3 (LW #27)

For as craptastic as they played the first three weeks, Carolina has a legitimate shot of getting back to 3-3. Washington, Tampa Bay, and Buffalo over the next 3 weeks? UNFAIR.

25.) Buffalo Bills 1-3 (LW #23)

NOBODY CIRCLES THE WAGONS….I MEAN PLAYS MEDIOCRE AND EMBARASSING FOOTBALL LIKE DEM BUFFALO BILLS. WOOO BILLS.

26.) Detroit Lions 1-3 (LW #25)

Detroit’s giving up more points per game than they did last year (winless). Somehow they have a win. I’m telling you, the NFL is screwier than ever this year. Also, Detroit is still a loser town. (Example 2,199,320: Tigers choked Monday)

27.) Kansas City Chiefs 0-4 (LW #28)

How the hell is Larry Johnson still the starter? He has a 2.6 yards per carry average and still complains about not getting handoffs. The offense has been bad, but the solution is easy: USE ANYONE ELSE.

28.) Washington Redskins 2-2 (LW #29)

They might be the worst 2-2 team of all time. Almost losing to Tampa Bay? You have to try to blow that game. REDSKINS FANS: You get to vote…Who’s out the door first? Zorn, Campbell, Snyder, or this guy?
29.) Cleveland Browns 0-4 (LW #32)

Braylon Edwards clearly didn’t understand the laws of Cleveland when he punched a friend of Lebron James at a nightclub. Lebron James is the Economy/King of Cleveland. DON’T MESS WITH THE POSSE BRA. In all reality though good for Braylon. Who the hell would want to live in Cleveland?

30.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-4 (LW #30)


I give them points for nearly beating Washington. Then again, I could beat the Redskins. With my broken finger. So I’m going to subtract all those points, and call Tampa Bay a craptastic mess.

31.) Oakland Raiders 1-3 (LW #26)

I know Oakland has a win, but they are by far the biggest mess in the NFL. By far. And it has nothing to do with the fact that QB JaMarcus Russell has a 39.8 % completion percentage. It has everything to do with coach Tom Cable, who:

A. Punched out an assistant coach.
B. Broke the assistant’s face
C. Could be arrested in the next week

Hahaha. Seriously how cute are the Raiders? What a bunch of rascals. They’re like a cross between every single bumbling movie/tv character of all-time and Jerry Springer. WHAT WILL THE RAIDERS GET THEMSELVES INTO THIS WEEK? TUNE IN SUNDAYS AT 4:15 FOR THE RAIDERS, THE NUMBER 1 NEW COMEDY ON CBS.

32.) St. Louis Rams 0-4 (LW #31)

Bad.

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