Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Power Rankings Week 3

The Rankings are back with a vengeance. MY WORD IS LAW.

1.) New Orleans Saints 3-0 (LW #1)

No question here. They’ve beaten everyone by like 100 points (or 21.3, but still). I could give a crap if the Ravens or Jets are actually playing real football for once; the Saints are dominating everyone and making them cry. They came this close to making T.O. flip out on his team nearly 10 weeks ahead of schedule! The first real test comes this Sunday against the Jets in the dome…I smell another Saints offensive explosion.

2.) New York Giants 3-0 (LW #2)

The Giants keep rolling along, this time beating arguably the worst team in the NFL by stomping Tampa Bay 24-zip. They have some injury problems that they are dealing with, but it won’t matter, because they are playing two of most inept teams in the NFL over the next two weeks. They’ll be 5-0 easily heading into their matchup against the Saints. Ughhhhhhhhhh.

3.) Baltimore Ravens 3-0 (LW #3)

Baltimore’s offense is suddenly good, and the Raven’s defense is still the Raven’s defense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Joe Flacco is the second coming of Peyton Manning, Ed Reed is better than Troy Polamalu, Ray Lewis is a punk, blah blah blah…Look, even Ryan Leaf could throw for over 300 yards against Kansas City and Cleveland; it’s just not that hard. I use Baltimore’s game against San Diego as a true measuring stick. They played well enough on offense to win, but that pass defense was just awful. They gave Phillip Rivers a career day with 436 yards by air, and Rivers has already had some impressive outings as a starter. The secondary better get their act together (and up the blitzing) as they take on Tom Brady and the Pats Sunday.

4.) New York Jets 3-0 (LW #6)

Speaking of the next coming of Peyton Manning, has any QB ever gotten more undeserved credit than Mark Sanchez? Sure he hasn’t made any mistakes, but he hasn’t won any games for Jersey B either. 250% of the credit should be given to the Jets blitz happy and number one ranked defense and shutdown corner Darrelle Revis (who’s only shut down the conference’s two best receivers in Andre Johnson and Randy Moss). Hell, even give that bloated Rex Ryan some credit. They’ll face the year’s toughest test this week against the Saints.

5.) Philadelphia Eagles 2-1 (LW #5)

Sure they played Kansas City, but when your backup quarterback (Kevin Kolb) throws for 300 yards in back to back weeks, you know you have a damn good offense. Luckily, they have a bye week to prepare for the high powered offense and stingy defense of Tampa Bay next week (note sarcasm).

6.) Indianapolis Colts 3-0 (LW #7)

Why do they keep winning? Not counting their playoff loss to San Diego (who completely owns them non-stop) the Colts have won 11 straight regular season games. How the hell do they do it? They can’t run the ball, can’t stop the run, and their three best defensive players (Dwight Freeney, Gary Brackett, Bob Sanders) are all injured. It probably has something to do with the fact that Peyton Manning and NFL leading receiver Reggie Wayne putting up some damn good numbers…but seriously…the winning needs to stop.

7.) New England Patriots 2-1 (LW #10)

The bad news? Tom Brady looks like crap. Really. He’s been about as Tom Brady-esque as Uncle Rico, missing wide open guys left and right and giving the Pats the worst red zone offense in the league. Meanwhile, the defense is banged up and couldn’t stop a pop warner team on third down. The good news? Despite playing like absolute garbage on both sides of the ball, the Patriots are 2-1, winning pretty easily last week against Atlanta despite all their problems, and only losing to the Jets by 7 after putting out the single-worst effort I have ever seen as a Patriots fan. It can only get better from here.

8.) Minnesota Vikings 3-0 (LW #9)

I could give a crap if they are 3-0. There are very few laws when it comes to the NFL, similar to the laws of physics. Law 1: The Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns will always be god-awful abominations that embarrass the integrity of the NFL. Law 2: You can never take a team led by Brett Favre seriously. Come on Viking fans, get over the high of last week’s win and smell the crap. Favre had chance after chance to put the 49ers and their inept offense away, but kept making the same old mistakes we’re all used to. Sure he made that TD throw at the end, but you all know that was probably the luckiest thing to ever happen to a Minnesota team since the NHL’s Minnesota North Stars lucked out and got to move to Dallas.

9.) Atlanta Falcons 2-1 (LW #4)

I was all over Hotlanta at the beginning of the season, but the weaknesses of this team that was so obvious in the playoffs last year reared its ugly head: the defense. The Patriots ran all over the Falcons (168 yards) and if Tom Brady didn’t look as bad is this guy, they likely would have thrown for even more than 277 yards against a pathetic pass rush and mediocre secondary. Then again, it was the Patriots.

10.) San Diego Chargers 2-1 (LW #13)

They (everyone other than Phillip Rivers) aren’t playing very good football, but they are still 2-1 heading into Pittsburgh. Meanwhile, Phillip Rivers is murdering defenses. Literally. All he’s doing is throwing Hail Marys non-stop down field to Vincent Jackson, who is randomly 2nd in the league in receiving. Meanwhile, Ladanian Tomlinson is scared of every defense in the NFL, and is STILL out with an “injury”…Sure LT. If Rivers can play with a torn knee, you can play with a torn ego (he’s probably sad that Adrian Peterson is better than him). JUST PLAY.

11.) San Francisco 49ers 2-1 (LW #11)

The 49ers became the first team in over 200 years to be victimized by a Brett Favre comeback (yeah I know it’s less than that, but it’s 80 year old Brett Favre! 80 YEARS OLD). And with Frank Gore out this week against Atlanta, it could be a long day for the ‘Niners.

12.) Green Bay Packers 2-1 (LW # 14)

The Packers better beat the Vikings. Not just for Green Bay’s now pissed-at-Favre fans. For me. If Brett Favre wins one more game…I swear…

13.) Chicago Bears 2-1 (LW #16)

Da Bears keep playing close games and have won the last two. While some credit the Primadonna, I’m gonna give all the credit to divine intervention. The defense gets the job done, but the offense is awful, they can’t run the ball, they can barely throw the ball, and don’t even get me started on the “Primadonna” again.

14.) Cincinnati Bengals 2-1 (LW #20)

Meanwhile, an act of God is the only thing keeping Cincy from being undefeated. I don’t know what to make of the “Hard Knocks”…but it looks like Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco are back in full force.

15.) Pittsburgh Steelers 1-2 (LW #8)

The Steelers just aren’t that good a team without the God of Defense. If they can get to the bye week at 4-3, they should be fine.

16.) Dallas Cowboys 2-1 (LW #21)

‘Boy Nation is by far the worst of the 2-1 teams. OOOOOH WE BEAT TAMPA BAY AND CAROLINA. Tony Romo is crap. NEXT.

17.) Jacksonville Jaguars 1-2 (LW #27)

Don’t look now, but the Los Angeles Jaguars actually look like a real team. With the way Maurice Jones-Drew is playing, along with receiver Mike Sims-Walker have made QB David Garrard’s life significantly easier. A win against Tennessee Sunday would be HUGE.

18.) Houston Texans 1-2 (LW #18)

After jumping back on the Texan bandwagon, I’m officially jumping off for the rest of the season. Until after they beat Oakland. Oh wait, Oakland sucks.

19.) Arizona Cardinals 1-2 (LW #12)

They don’t look anything like the team that went to the Super Bowl last season. The defense is non-existent, the running game is crap (again), and Kurt has been inconsistent thus far.

20.) Seattle Seahawks 1-2 (LW #15)

Surprise, surprise, the Seahawks are all dropping like flies. Again. I swear, the last two years this team has been cursed by injuries. SENECA WALLACE TIME.

21.) Denver Broncos 3-0 (LW #23)

Hey, Paul, I’m rather disgruntled that my Denver Broncos are only ranked 21st. I demand you rectify this situation…


You’re right. They are number 1. Humblest apologies.

22.) Tennessee Titans 0-3 (LW #19)

I hate to say it, but I kind of expected this. “Cocktail” Collins + mediocre receivers – Albert Haynesworth = a lot worse of a team.

23.) Buffalo Bills 1-2 (LW #18)

The media is already getting to Terrell Owens. I LOVE IT. First it was the reporters who kept asking the same question to get him to go T.O. on them. Then it was Rodney Harrison calling Owens a “Clown”. Naturally, T.O. went ape!@#, but on Twitter.

"I could less about Rodney Harrison! Anybody tht using steroids, yes STEROIDS rodney, is a cheater & cheated the game!"

"Is tht Y u used steroids b/c u were worried about ur stats or ws it b/c u were losing it? Lol! U're a loser & a cheater? Got any steroid ..."

"Hey rodney! Send me sum steroids 2 the Bills facility next week!"

Poor Buffalo…it’s so sad to see this team struggle.

24.) Miami Dolphins 0-3 (LW #22)

Miami is running all over everyone, but Chad Pennington’s out for the year. Doesn’t look good for the ‘Phins.

25.) Detroit Lions 1-2 (LW #31)

WHAT THE CRAP? DID HELL FREEZE OVER? THE APOCALPYSE IS NIGH. Seriously though, congratulations to Detroit. In one day they went from feeling like thisto this…no doubt a result of this. WOO LIONS PRIDE.

26.) Oakland Raiders 1-2 (LW #26)

You know you’re bad when…

A. Your head coach punched an assistant in the face and broke his jaw (check).

B. Your QB has a rating of 39.6 (check).

C. Al Davis is STILL your owner (check).

27.) Carolina Panthers 0-3 (LW #24)

You know you’re bad when…

A. Jake Delhomme is your starting QB (check).

B. Jake Delhomme is your starting QB for the rest of the season. (check)

C. Jake Delhomme is your starting QB through 2014. (check)

28.) Kansas City Chiefs 0-3 (LW #25)

You know you’re bad when…

A. Your starting running back averages 2.5 yards per carry. (check)

B. Your below Oakland in the power rankings. (check)

C. You’ve lost to Oakland. (check)

29.) Washington Redskins 1-2 (LW #28)

You know you’re bad when you’re the first team in over a year to lose to the Lions. Yes the Lions. BUT WAIT SKINS FANS. You might not be that bad. To quote the Chris Cooley Zone (his own blog):

Alright, I’ve spent the last two days listening to never ending gripe about how terrible the Washington Redskins are. Our coaching is dreadful. Zorn is on the hot seat. Our play calling is outright awful. Anyone can call better red zone plays. Our team is a bunch of overpaid bums. Getting booed by a bunch of “dim-wits.” And I don’t even need to mention the way fans despise our ownership. IT’S ALL BULLSHIT. First of all we lost to an outstanding Giants team in New York. Bummer, yes, but not the end of the world. Secondly, we actually won the Rams game. A win for us is like a Van Gogh, it doesn’t matter if it’s pretty, it’s having it. Now, of course it’s obvious that we didn’t score tons of points, but by no means were we terrible. We put together five different drives of over 10 plays. It doesn’t matter who you’re playing, that’s hard as hell to do in the NFL. We work our asses off and we can play!”

Chris, you could have said this after losing to any team but Detroit. But the key thing is, you lost to Detroit. Quoting the Principal in Billy Madison: “What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”


30.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-3 (LW #29)

No one…

31.) St. Louis Rams 0-3 (LW #30)

Gives a…

32.) Cleveland Browns 0-3 (LW #32)

Flying $%@^.

Even this idiot pales in comparison to the mess that is Cleveland. But, as always, fun to watch failure…


Monday, September 28, 2009

Boring Monday in Big D: Monday Night Diaries Week 3

For all the extravagance in Cowboys Stadium, you’d think you were watching the Super Bowl. Unfortunately for you, the only thing you’re seeing is simply a week 3 football game. Even worse, it’s a matchup of two of the biggest disappointments this season in the NFL, as Dallas and Carolina have both been absolute messes.

Can it get any worse? OF COURSE IT CAN. We get to see not only one, but TWO of the shakiest QBs in the NFL. Seriously folks, Is there any bigger nightmare than seeing Panther Jake Delhomme and Cowboy Tony Romo on the field at the same time? Not for just Dallas and Carolina fans. Not just for fantasy owners. Not for all you viewers. But for me. I have to watch these two numbskulls for an entire game. Football gods, please have mercy on my soul tonight.

8:36 - Gruden with his third annual crazy nickname: this time calling Steve Smith “Freddy Kreuger”. Ehhh…I can at least live with this one because he explained it, but Jon’s already getting on my nerves.

8:44 - Felix Jones is an absolute beast, already with 44 yards. But instead of feeding the hot man, the Boys let Tony Romo throw a pass, and lo and behold it bounces right off a Panther defender’s hands. U-G-L-Y.

8:48 - First shot of Wade Phillips frowning. It’s a priceless expression. He always looks like a little kid that’s pissed that his mommy won’t let him have candy. May the Curse of Doug Flutie keep that frown flying for all-time.

8:49 - SHANK CITY. Mike Tirico says Nick Folk has made 16 straight field goals, and almost immediately the ball veers away from the goal posts. When watching a sporting event as a neutral fan, it’s always funny to see a classic play by play jinx.

8:54 - Dallas has an awful defense this year…no sacks…no turnovers…Thank God for Jake Delhomme right?

8:59 - You know you’re defense is bad when a tight end is outrunning you’re secondary. Jason Witten is good, but you have to be slower than Wade Phillips (in speed and mind) to let him juke out your entire defense.

9:02 - No one is using the wildcat, yet it still got brought up by the Monday Night Announcers. They literally talked about it 300 separate times last Monday. PLEASE, never talk about it again.

9:03 - And I’m forced to leave for a fire alarm….

9:17 - I come back from the alarm, and still nothing has happened in this pathetic game. I’ll use this as the time to reveal why Tony Romo is an awful QB…First off, when the hell did he ever do anything good? Seriously, the only thing this idiot has ever done is muff the snap on an extra point in a playoff game, but for some reason, everyone considers this guy as one of the game’s best QB’s. Why? Is it because he plays like Brett Favre? Since when is playing like Brett Favre a good thing? Who wants a QB that runs around in the pocket and forces plays that aren’t there, and then loses you games with bad turnovers? And unlike Brett Favre (when he was in his prime at least), he is the model of inconsistency, something you never want to see from a QB. Sure he’s had games with 6 TD, but he’s also had games with 5 picks. Have you ever seen Tom Brady do that? How about Peyton Manning? What about Drew Brees, Ben Roethlisberger, Phillip Rivers, or Eli Manning? Hell, even Ryan Leaf never did that. The fact of the matter is that this guy is a mediocre QB and will never win for Dallas.

9:28 - The Jake Delhomme show continues. He gives an awful Dallas secondary their first interception of the season. How this man has a contract through 2014 is beyond me. Awful, awful throw.

9:34 - How the hell was Jon Beason a 1st team all-pro last year? Sure he has a sack, but he’s missed 5 tackles, and now he tackles Felix Jones when he’s 10 yards out of bounds. I was hoping to see one of the game’s best, but all I see is mediocrity. By the way, THIS GAME SUCKS.

9:37 - Wade Phillips Frown 2

9:38 - Wade Phillips Frown 3. I’m guessing you can tell how this game is going for ‘Boy Nation.

9:45 - Nothing has happened at all in this game. At all. So I’m just going to rant incoherently. The most annoying thing of all time is the facebook like button, with the status application coming a close second. I’m so sick of seeing someone some idiotic status, like “I’m going to post useless information about my unimportant life because I NEED ATTENTION” and then some other jackass clicks the like button. I swear to god I’m going to punt someone in the face if this game doesn’t pick up.

9:50 - I guess that annoyed the football gods, so they gave me a good Carolina TD drive to finally make this a football game. Jake Delhomme looked very impressive, especially on a perfect pass to Dante Rosario. Has hell frozen over? Meanwhile, the Dallas pass rush is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. In the NFL. How the crap did DeMarcus Ware have 20 sacks last year? He’s getting manhandled.

10:08 - Back from halftime…let’s get some offense going.

10:16 - Wade Phillips frown number 4…Meanwhile, the Cowboys need to keep giving the ball to Felix Jones…he has 94 yards on 8 carries and 20 yards receiving. Why are they not giving him the ball more? Other than the obvious explanation (Wade Phillips and offensive coordinator Jason Garrett are horrible coaches,) it’s baffling that a guy who’s averaging nearly 15 yards a touch is not getting the ball.

10:20 - A Wade Phillips smile? Hold your horses Wade… Tashard Choice is down at the one yard line after a review, and the Boys are still scoreless. I’m feeling a turnover coming…

10:24 - Choice short on 3rd and goal from the one…and 5 seconds later a foul start on 4th and 1 to push Dallas back…Cue Wade Phillips frown number 5, and cue laughter. Hahahahaha.

10:28 - Felix Jones may be out after straining his knee… I WANT ANOTHER FROWN.

10:33 - Ron Jaworski says happy birthday wildcat…God why the hell can’t they give it a rest? The wildcat’s birthday was a freaking week ago…I hate this Monday night crew (with the exception of Tirico) they just can’t stop being obnoxious.

10:35 - The Boys take the lead, and Wade Phillips starts celebrating like the little kid he is. Got to hate the Cowboys.

10:41 - The Panthers have done jack diddly crap this quarter. 8 plays, 17 yards…this game is ridiculous.

10:42 - And the very next play, the Panthers score on a long TD pass to Muhsin Muhammad…but offensive pass interference. Thanks Carolina, way to get my hopes up. I was TRYING to jinx you.

10:43 - Another 3 and out…Panthers are probably going to be 0-3 after this crap show.

10:44 - Gruden just called Romo a winner. Too bad he has no playoff wins…oh god, Romo throws a pass back across the field, and now the crew is throwing the Brett Favre comparisons around like it’s a 2007 Packer fan convention.

10:52 - Cowboys driving again…end of the 3rd.

10:53 - Now they are showing a Brett Favre highlight montage as they promote next week’s game between Minnesota and Green Bay. I HAVE TO WATCH THAT CRAP. NOOOOOOOOOOO.

10:58 - Two plays from the one yard line, 2 fade routes to Dallas receivers, and 2 awful plays. All Dallas had to do was run the ball and the game was likely over. Cue Wade Phillips frown number 200,000.

11:05 - Surprise, Surprise, another Carolina 3 and out. PLEASE make this game end.

11:14 - Just when it looked like the Cowboys would end this game, an intentional grounding and a busted play force them to punt with 6:00 to play…TIME TO FROWN WOOO GO BOYS.

11:19 - FINALLY. Jake Delhomme throws the 900,000th pick on the young season and Terrance Newman takes it back for a TD, 19-7 Dallas. Awful pass, Awful QB, and thankfully, soon to be the end of an Awful game.

11:20 - Wade Phillips still frowning. What an idiot, his team just won…Meanwhile; Jon Gruden is praising Phillips as a great veteran coach. The dude hasn’t done anything his entire career except bench Doug Flutie for Rob Johnson.

11:25 - Carolina finally moving the ball downfield. I would love to see a Dallas choke, as well as a Wade Phillips frown fest, and maybe even a tantrum! BOY NATION.

11:30 - Jake Delhomme fumbles, and the game is finally over…Thank the lord, ‘cause it was boring as hell.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Stone Cold Killer Week 2: Speed Kills

Stone Cold Killer of the Week is back with authority. This week, it can be simply defined using one word.


Call courtesy of the great Gus Johnson, who could make a club curling match as exciting as the last 2 minutes of a Super Bowl. But back to the matter at hand. Where last week’s Stone Cold Killer was a running back who’ll stop in his tracks and beat the crap out of defenders just for the hell of it, this week’s guy just blazes up the field, scores, flies back down the field and then blows by the defenders again, also just for kicks and giggles.

His name is Chris Johnson. And he’s the fastest player in the NFL. Hell, he’d give Usain Bolt a run for his money. Dude’s a freak, running a . And while you might not think something speedy like this can dominate, see this freakish jackrabbit.

So what exactly did Johnson do on Sunday? He destroyed Houston. Physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, his game didn’t end up helping his Titans, who blew another close game to Houston, but definitely obliderated every single team that he was matched up against (in fantasy football of course).

The stat line is ridiculous. By ground, Johnson had 197 yards on 6 carries and 2 TD. By air, Johnson caught 6 passes for 87 yards and another TD. All in all, he totaled 46 points in Yahoo Public Leagues on Saturday. Oh, and all 3 of those scores were over 50 yards. Can’t touch this.

You have got to give this guy his credit. After coming out of a crappy football program 2 years ago (East Carolina) and then being considered an extreme reach by most experts (including myself) when he was taken in the first round, Johnson has done nothing but deliver. Speed like his (4.24 40 WOOOOOOO) is something that is rare, and something that makes him a Stone Cold Killer.


Week 2 Jackass of the Week

The 2009 New York Jets were an early favorite for this week’s jackass award. They would have really earned it, because the things they did off the field were enough to make Miss Teen South Carolina smart.

First, there was Rex Ryan running his mouth all off season despite having never coached a game in his life. Next, there was Kerry Rhodes talking smack. What are you thinking Jets? First off, you’re the Jets, chronic losers. Second off, you don’t trash-talk the Patriots! No one ever beats New England when they’re mad…

But the Green weren’t done. Finally it was Ryan again, this time leaving a voicemail telling Jets fans (who are apparently idiots) that they need to cheer loud during a game against their arch-rival.

So Jersey B certainly talked the talk. Unfortunately, by some miracle, those jackasses managed to walk the walk. The Jets escaped with a 16-9 win over the Pats, leading me to do this.

Not only did my team just lose. Now I had to pick another jackass of the week. As usual there were many incompetents to pick from. Tony Romo for handing the Giants the game via 3 picks. JaMarcus Russell, who was 7 of 24 for just over 100 yards in a winning effort. The 2009 Cleveland Browns for embarrassing football, etc., etc..

But the worst of the week didn’t come until Monday Night, when Miami choked away a game where they controlled the ball for 45 minutes and pulverized the Pony (Colts) defensive line, rushing for 240 yards. Yes, they lost…

Why? You can blame the Dolphins pass defense. You can blame Peyton Manning. You can even blame commentator Jon Gruden for crapping his pants over the “Wildcat’s Birthday” and “Sheriff” Manning.

And you’d be wrong. Because if not for these two co-Jackasses of the week, Miami wins easy.


To his credit, Sparano coached a pretty good game against Indy. Not that it’s hard to do. Here’s the blueprint to beat the Colts:

A: Run the ball over and over and over and over against the tiny Colt D-Line
B: Keep their offense off the field.

Miami did these two things perfectly…but again, only for the first 57 minutes. That’s when Sparano pooped his pants and lost his mind. On 3rd and 6, instead of attempting to get a first down, Sparano had the Dolphins run straight up the middle (for just three yards). Forget the running on third down, the play didn’t even put the Dolphins in better field goal position. Why would you settle for a 45 yard kick? Not exactly a chip shot.

As soon as this happened, I knew Miami would lose. And lo and behold, 3 plays later the Colts scored. 27-23 Indy with 3:12 to go. Still time right?

Wrong. Tony Sparano and the Dolphin offense ran the ball on first down (for just one yard). Instead of hurrying up, Miami let the clock run for nearly 40 seconds before calling a timeout. The next play, Sparano called a run… AGAIN. Meanwhile, 1/3 of the time left vanished, and the Fish were screwed.

But as much of a moron as Sparano was, he wasn’t the sole reason for the Dolphin choke. Ladies and Gentlemen…Ted Ginn!

Ted Ginn? Didn’t he have 11 catches for 108 yards and lead Miami in receiving?

Yeah he did. But what else did he do?

He dropped 2 easy TD passes that would have given the Fish a win. Really easy. Like so easy, I in fact would have caught them easy. From a regular crappy WR stuff like that is understandable. But when you’re a former 9th overall pick and by some act of God are considered a number one receiving threat, you can’t do that. Ever. Maybe the Dolphins should have taken Brady Quinn at that draft…Oh wait he sucks.

Anyways, congratulations to the jackasses of the week. They earned it…by ruining Monday Night Football.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Power Rankings: Week 2 Edition

A confusing, (and frustrating) week 2 is in the way, and the rankings have been shaken up quite a bit...

1.) New Orleans Saints

The pinball machine does it again, this time blowing away a pretty good Eagles defense 48-22. 93 points in 2 games? Absurd. It’s like watching a college team play a bunch of pee-wees, or any team ever playing the Detroit Lions.

2.) New York Giants

The Giants are good, but there’s a reason I’m not putting them in first. I hate New York. Actually the real reason is the G-Men run defense. Tony Romo handed the game on a silver platter to New York with a typical crapshow that we’ve all come to love from the big man in Big D. But Dallas still managed to run for 251 yards on just 29 carries against supposedly the league’s best line. Luckily for the Giants, they get to play the abominations that are Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Oakland before their next real challenge: the Saints.

3.) Baltimore Ravens

What the hell is going on in Baltimore? The defense was horrendous this past week against San Diego, giving up 436 yards to Philip Rivers. Meanwhile, the offense isn’t garbage? The Ravens have never, ever been a team like this, but through two weeks they are clearly the most balanced team in the NFL.

4.) Atlanta Falcons

Hotlanta keeps rolling along, this time beating division rival Carolina with another impressive performance from Matt Ryan. Unfortunately, they became the first team in nine months to not pick off Jake Delhomme 4 times. Amateur hour.

5.) Philadelphia Eagles

If McNabb’s under center, the Saints game would have been a lot closer. Donovan missed game one of what will likely be around four, but with McNabb, the Eagles are the best team in the NFC. Eagles fans need to get off Donovan’s back for getting hurt all the time. The guy’s a warrior, and got you to the playoffs year after year, a bunch of NFC championships, and a Super Bowl. The Eagles sucked for pretty much the entire Super Bowl era until he came to town. So relax. God, the Phillies just won a World Series, and Philly finally isn’t considered a loser town. Stop being the biggest jackasses of all sports team.

6.) New York Jets

Yes, the Jets backed up their trash talk. I know. I FREAKING KNOW. Anyway, there are way too many idiots acting like Mark Sanchez is actually playing a major role in the Jets success. He’s not doing ANYTHING. He’s just not doing anything bad. Yet. The fact of the matter is, the Jets defense has been out of this world, shutting down an apparently good Texans team and the Pats. Even though we lost, it’s really cute to see Jets fans so optimistic. The annual letdown will be that much sweeter to taste.

7.) Indianapolis Colts

How lucky are the Ponies? Winning after having the ball for literally 15 seconds? They should be 1-1, but the Miami Dolphins played “Let’s Kill Ourselves” and ended up killing themselves. Indy may in fact have the worst run defense in the NFL, as evidenced by Monday night, as the ‘Fins ran for 240 yards on the Colts. But the win is all that matters…Screw Indy.

8.) Pittsburgh Steelers

Without the God of Defense (Troy Polamalu), the Steelers made the Primadonna (Jay Cutler) look like Brett Favre when he didn’t suck. If they lost to Chicago, losing to the Bengals this week is a real possibility.

9.) Minnesota Vikings

The hype is already starting for yet another Brett Favre led team. Favre-lovers? Shut up. The Vikings have beaten Cleveland and Detroit. That’s about as impressive as finding a way to piss me off. Speaking of pissing me off…

10.) New England Patriots

What the hell was that crap? Losing to a team that trash talked as if they had totally not choked at the end of last season? Brady rattled by blitzes? No screen plays to Kevin Faulk to counter the blitz? Brady having the worst game I’ve ever seen him play? Get your act together boys, Hotlanta’s coming to town.

11.) San Francisco 49ers

Shaun Hill may be a craptastic QB, and Michael Crabtree may be a complete moron for refusing to sign and help him out, but Frank Gore is an absolute machine of a running back. He busted loose with 79 and 80 yard TD runs. But then again, the NFC West sucks, thus, they are ranked 11th.

12.) Arizona Cardinals

Give Kurt Warner Anquan Boldin and Steve Breaston to compliment Larry Fitzgerald, and he looks like he’s found the fountain of youth. Warner threw for a record completion percentage of 92.3 percent. Luckily for Jacksonville, no one had to see them play, because they were blacked out locally. How ‘bout them Los Angeles Jaguars?

13.) San Diego Chargers

If Ladanian Tomlinson wasn’t a scared little girl and hadn’t sat out against the Ravens, the Chargers probably win. Rivers may have thrown for over 400 yards, but midget running back Darren Sproles isn’t giving San Diego an every down rushing threat.

14.) Green Bay Packers

So much for their early high ranking. Green Bay looked pretty bad defensively at home against the Bungles, giving up 151 yards on the ground. But despite playing like crap, they still had a chance to beat their inferior opponent…until they had a false start at the Cincy 10 with less than 5 seconds to play. Chokkkkkkkke.

15.) Seattle Seahawks

Matt Hasselback’s injured again. Bad sign for Seattle. Meanwhile, it’s the NFC WestI don’t really care.

16.) Chicago Bears

The defense looks great, but this team will go nowhere with the primadonna at the helm. We’ve already got a fantasy bust of the year alert out for Matt Forte. 38 carries for 84 yards and a whopping 2.2 yards per carry. IM-FREAKING-PRESSIVE.

17.) Houston Texans

I don’t know what the hell to do about Houston. Before week 1 I was riding in the front seat of the Texan bandwagon. I bailed out after they got shellacked by the Jets. But now I don’t know what to do, as Houston embarrassed a supposedly tough Titans defense on the road with an aerial assault powered by receiver Andre Johnson. What’s the over/under for number of times the media (and me) will jump on and off the Texan bandwagon for the rest of the year? I’m gonna go with 14.

18.) Buffalo Bills

Nothing’s better for a team coming off an epic collapse than playing Tampa Bay. That crapshow of a defense would allow even ME to put up huge numbers. Then again, I am arguably the greatest football player of all time. That aside, I still think Buffalo has a chance to contend in the AFC East. Trent Edwards, Terrell Owens, Lee Evans, Fred Jackson, and the return of Marshawn “Meast” Lynch form a very good offense.

19.) Tennessee Titans

Chris Johnson had nearly 300 yards of total offense and 3 TD, and Tennessee still lost. Why? Because the Titan defense isn’t good. Tennessee ranks dead last in pass defense after getting shredded by Ben Roethlisberger and Matt Schaub in back to back weeks. Not a good start for the team with the best record in the AFC last year.

20.) Cincinnati Bengals

As bad as they are, the “Hard Knocks” are an intriguing team to watch. Half the team is always in prison, they always find the most debilitating possible ways to lose, and Chad Ochocinco tweets the most hilarious crap you’ll ever see: “im startin my quest for 1,000,000 followers baby!spread the word my little tweeps!!follow me!” Hilarious? Or attention whore? You decide.

21.) Dallas Cowboys

Tony Romo is making Cowboy fans long for the days of Quincy Carter. Well, at least those fans that realize that Troy Aikman isn’t and hasn’t been their QB for over 10 years. Seriously, the guy finds ways to lose you games with his 50 interceptions per game (seriously, even fantasy teams are in danger). If he’s as bad as Brett Favre now, how bad will he be when he’s still in the NFL at age 59?

22.) Miami Dolphins

Miami ran for 239 yards, had the ball for 45 minutes, and still found a way to lose. I’m LOVIN IT. You can blame whoever you want, Tony Sparano for making some of the most idiotic play calls towards the end of the game, Tedd Ginn for dropping every single important pass thrown his way, or anyone else. But bottom line, you’ll come back to one point: The Dolphins suck.

23.) Denver Broncos

Wow, Denver beat two teams from Ohio. AMAZING.

24.) Carolina Panthers

Carolina earns respect points in the power rankings by sticking close to Atlanta. Jake Delhomme looked like a good QB again! Until he threw a game-ending pick. HEY CAROLINA, CHEER UP, HE’S YOUR QB THROUGH 2014. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

25.) Jacksonville Jaguars


26.) Oakland Raiders


27.) Kansas City Chiefs


28.) Washington Redskins


29.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers


30.) St. Louis Rams


31.) Detroit Lions


32.) Cleveland Browns

Then CHECK OUT CLEVELAND. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. If sports are any indication of how much a city sucks, there is no better example than Cleveland. Even Detroit has hope for the future. Yes, the God-awful mess that is Detroit. You know your town has made losing a science when they lose 27-6 to Denver. Denver! Being a Cleveland fan is like getting hit in the balls with a rock, while having your fingers slowly broken, while being strapped to a chair and forced to watch standup comedy from Larry the Cable Guy. Every day. However, the prospect of Eric Mangini getting fired before the end of the season is very, very intriguing. DAWG POUND FOR LIFE.