Monday, August 9, 2010

32 Teams in 32 Days: #30 The Browns

God may have a problem with the Buffalo Bills. But God DEFINITELY hates Cleveland, and with absolute venom. There's that whole "Indians not winning a title since 1948 thing". Then this summer, some above average Cleveland basketball player apparently decided to leave his lifelong hometown for Miami. He also had an hour long special on ESPN to announce his decision. Wow...that's pretty cool!

And then there's the Browns. Forget the fact that some douchebag owner pretty much stole the team and moved it to Baltimore back in 1995. Quite the low blow. Cleveland did end up getting the Brownies back in '99. But these new Browns?  They've been awful, eerily similar to "Browns" that you or I could "take to the Super Bowl".

Will the bad luck change in 2010? No. Not a chance in hell.


And that's it. Cleveland's best player is a kick returner...Josh Cribbs. Probably the best returner in the NFL. He should really help the Browns, seeing as every single play in an NFL game is a punt or kickoff...oh wait.


Too many to EVERYTHING.


The Browns appeared to be heading in the right direction when they hired Mike Holmgren as team president...but got right back on the train tracks to hell after they decided to keep Eric Mangini. WHY? A 4 game winning streak does not offset a 1-11 start. NOT AT ALL.

Unlike St. Louis and Buffalo, Cleveland actually did sign some players during the offseason. Unfortunately, those players were Jake "Not a very handsome guy" Delhomme and Ben "This is pretty much all I did in New England" Watson. Booooooo.

The Browns did okay on draft day. Joe Haden (CB Florida) was the best corner available, and being a former Gator he's basically a legend. Montario Hardesty (RB Tennessee) is a bruiser who'll step in as the power back for Jamaal Lewis. The crown jewel was Colt McCoy (QB, Texas) who fell all the way to the 3rd round. He'll likely be the Browns starter in a few years.


Dreams don't exist in Cleveland.


The season actually takes place.


2-14, last in the AFC North, and Eric Mangini finally gets fired. Seriously, it's Cleveland...would you expect anything else?


Sunday, August 8, 2010

32 Teams in 32 Days: #31 The Bills

The second stop on our countdown from worst to first brings us North of the border. Wait...Buffalo's not in Canada? Seriously? When the hell did that happen?

Asshole joke aside, the Bills should be playing in Canada. And no, I don't mean changing locales to Toronto...these losers should be playing in the CFL. They're just that bad. It's amazing how far this team has fallen since the days of Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, and 4 straight Super Bowl [losses].

You've got to feel sorry for Bill fans.  The franchise has got to be cursed.  Its best seasons?  They all ended in Super Bowl losses.  Its best player?  He was Nordberg...wait...whoops...he was actually a MURDERER...wait...double whoops...I actually meant an armed robber and kidnapper.  The two most memorable moments in franchise history? "WTF!? Loss 1" and "WTF!? Loss 2". Toss in a list of other jackasses who've stunk Buffalo up, like Rob Johnson, Wade Phillips, and even Terrell Owens and you've got one of the most tormented fan bases in the NFL.

At least Buffalo has a track record of success in other professional sports!  Oh....wait...I guess they're completely cursed in everything...Well at least the weather's nice!...wait...really? It snows in October? Ummmm...they aren't Cleveland? BAM.  There's a positive right there!

Now that I'm done being mean to Buffalo, let's take a look at how they'll fare in 2010.


Despite having absolutely no offensive line or quarterbacking skills, the Bills are pretty damn good at running back.  Why?  Because they have way too f!@$ing many.  There's bruiser Marshawn Lynch, the unbelievably underrated Fred Jackson (clutch runner and teams 2nd leading receiver), and now 9th overall pick C.J. Spiller, a speedster who also has hands of gold.  Buffalo won't be able to put all three on the field at once, but look for Jackson on 1st and 2nd, Spiller on 3rd down, and Jackson in short yardage situations.


The Bills can run...but they can't block, and they sure as hell can't pass worth a damn.  For one reason or another, Buffalo completely forgot to draft or sign a real QB during the offseason...AND decided to drop their only decent wideout/douchebag in Terrell Owens.  Trent Edwards and or Ryan Fitzpatrick are pretty awful on their own.   But leaving them without an offensive line or receivers is like leaving your kids with Michael Jackson at Neverland Ranch.  BAD.

Buffalo's change to a 3-4 defense will likely hurt least in the short term...hell knowing Buffalo it probably will in the long term too. It takes more than one season to put that system into play.


Buffalo hired Chan Gailey as their head coach during the offseason. Lame. He was an average coach in Dallas, an average coach at Georgia Tech, and apparently an awful offensive coordinator in Kansas City. But hey, he's a step above Dick Jauron...maybe.

Like the Rams, the Bills pretty much sat on their asses during free agency. No signings. And they cut two of their better players in DE Aaron Schobel (10 sacks last year), and yes...Terrell Owens. New coach, new strategy...probably same direction. BUFFALO!!!

Buffalo's draft sucked. 9th overall selection C.J. Spiller (RB, Clemson) was a sexy...yet idiotic pick. Why draft another running back when your quarterbacks are shit? Or when your offensive line is about as effective as the Great Wall of China against Mongols? There were plenty of BOTH POSITIONS available THROUGHOUT THE DRAFT. But the Bills didn't take an offensive lineman until the 5th ground (Ed Wang out of Oregon, cue the wang jokes) and took a QB with their last pick...What the hell? IS EVERYONE STUPID?


The entire AFC East outside of Buffalo tears their ACLs. The NFL outlaws the passing the football, and the Bills rush for 3,000 yards as a team. Unfortunately, they still finish 6-10. Sorry Buffalo. This team has no hope. Unless owner Ralph Wilson finds the holy grail, becomes immortal, and keeps the team in town for the rest of time.


Chan Gailey proves that Dick Jauron wasn't a bad coach...comparatively. The Bills offensive line fails to block for the umpteenth straight season, and both Edwards and Fitzpatrick go down with season ending injuries. Seeing the season as doomed, Buffalo holds open tryout for QB, signing this class act as their QB. Meanwhile Ralph Wilson dies. His kids inherit the team, but don't want it, and sell it to a Toronto based ownership group. They announce they'll move the team into ACTUAL Canada.


Last in passing yards, last in the AFC East, but first in the list of "Sports Teams that God Hates". Keep your chin up least you got Chan Gailey at head coach!...oh wait.


Saturday, August 7, 2010

32 Teams in 32 Days: #32 The Rams

We said it would start a week ago. We lied. IT STARTS NOW.  It's time for us to unveil our power rankings, REVERSE STYLE, as we start off down and dirty.  And by down and dirty, we mean the crappiest of the crap.

And that distinguished title belongs to none other than the St. Louis Rams. Pathetic was an understatement for this dump of a team in 2009.

Need a visual?  Imagine if a bunch of really shitty actors decided to make their own movie. And I mean really shitty. Imagine if Keanu Reeves, Hayden Christensen, and Nicholas Cage were in a movie together...starring Steven Seagal.  That movie would STILL be more entertaining than the '09 Rams.

So what can we expect from the Rams in 2010?


Running back Steven Jackson is the ONLY reason this team is worth watching. Jackson quietly put together his best (and healthiest) season since 2006, running for 1416 yards and leading the team with 51 receptions for another 322. But he pissed off fantasy owners like myself by only scoring 4 touchdowns all year...WHAT THE F&%@ STEVEN?

You'll be hard pressed to find any more strengths on this dumpster. They do have the badass name department taken care of, with a pretty good safety in Oshiomogho Atogwe. Youth could be another one, as St. Louis does have a solid core of young players (DE Chris Long, LB James Laurinaitis, WR Donnie Avery, and QB Sam Bradford) who theoretically can only improve. But that's gonna take time. Pllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeennnnty of time.


Um...everything? They couldn't pass (28th)...nor could they stop the pass (25th)...or the run for that matter (27th)...surrendered points like France in every single war ever (31st)...and couldn't score period (32nd). Basically they were like this.


The Rams weren't very active in free agency. Sure they got rid of washed up QB Marc Bulger and the always shitty Kyle Boller. But their marquee signing of 2010? Fred Robbins. Seriously. Fred. Robbins.

But their draft was a step in the right direction. I'm not sold on QB Sam Bradford, especially after the shoulder injury he suffered last season, but he's definitely an upgrade over an old man and this loser. OT Rodger Saffold (Indiana) was a solid pick to keep Bradford upright...some day. And they got some high upside picks in 3rd round corner Jerome Murphy (South Florida), 4th round wide out Mardy Gilyard (Cincinnati), and 7th round DE George Selvie (South Florida, and the 2007 Defensive Player of the Year). Not bad. But experience is going to hurt this team in 2010.


Bradford is the real deal, Donnie Avery is the next Steve Smith (the real Steve Smith), and the Rams offense starts scoring like its 1999 (scores at all more like it).  Steven Jackson rushes for 1,800 yards with the help of an actual passing game. Meanwhile, the Rams defense starts off slow, but sees enormous strides from Chris Long as Laurainitis and Atogwe anchor an average D. St. Louis shocks the NFL with a 6-10 season (albeit in a weak NFC West).


The injury bug Steven Jackson tears both his knees and Sam Bradford re-injures his shoulder, resulting in EVEN FEWER points from the league's worst scoring offense. Meanwhile, Oshiomogho Atogwe changes his name to "Thurman Murman". Then in November, Stan Kroenke's bid to buy the Rams succeeds, and he immediately announces he'll move the team to Los Angeles.   The Rams slug through the lowest scoring season in NFL history, getting shut out for all of December, and join the '08 Lions at 0-16.


It doesn't look good for St. Louis when you add it all up.  The Nightmare scenario is pretty extreme...but when you add up an aging running back with a rookie QB, tons of youth and no're 100% going to get a very long season in St. Louis. Head coach Steve Spagnuolo has his work cut out for him.


Well well well...Tomlinson actually IS a douchebag

ESPN: LaDainian Tomlinson is a New York Jet, but he can't seem to escape his Chargers identity -- his former San Diego teammates won't let him. Responding to comments made about him by Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates, Tomlinson told the New York Post that he has "moved on." Rivers had told the San Diego Union-Tribune that it was a "relief" to start camp without Tomlinson looming over the team.

"I don't know how everyone feels or if they felt it," Rivers told the newspaper. "Maybe it was a little bit of a relief. Maybe it's a feeling of, 'I can do a little more without wondering what he thinks.'"

I've been calling Tomlinson a douchebag for years. What can I say...I'm just a natural born hater. And as a Patriots fan its been easy as hell to hate this man.

Yeah he was a damn good running back on a perennial AFC power. But that's not why this guy ticks me off. You know me to

There was the whining...more whining...and full blown crying. Then there was the whole "If you're not cheating, you're not trying" dig at the Pats right after Spygate. And who could forget his "Cowardice" episode, where L.T. sat out the 2007 AFC Championship with a bruised ego (or something like that) while his teammate Philip Rivers gutted it out on a torn knee.

But I sure am glad to find out I'm not the only guy who hates him. Cause even though his teammates were too classy to say it outright, it seems like they were totally sick of his presence in the locker. This has been Philip Rivers' team since LT chickened out in the 2007 AFC Championship. They're glad to have the looming shadow of a washed up player out of their faces.

Just like I'm glad my irrational bias has once again been proven right. BOOM.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Favre's "Retiring" and Hell may be about to freeze over, but the Vikings are STILL cursed

ESPN: Brett Favre's spectacular stint with the Minnesota Vikings might be over.  Favre has informed the Vikings he will not return to Minnesota for a second season, according to multiple reports.

Favre has sent text messages to teammates saying, "This is it," league sources told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter.

Does anyone actually believe this? I don't think there's one person who follows the NFL and doesn't think Favre (or any Favre related story) is completely full of crap.

But on the off chance that this guy DID indeed retire, the Vikings could not be more up shit's creek.

Why? Because of their own stupidity. They thought his ankle was fine (apparently not) assuming he'd DEFINITELY come back to the Vikings. There was no backup plan. The 2010 season was entirely based on an assumption. NOICE.

They could've traded for Donovan McNabb…or a variety of non-totally awful QBs (Jason Campbell, Derek Anderson, etc.). But the Vikings decided to stay on their knees and keep “pleasing” Favre. And now they could be stuck with crap-jobs Sage Rosenfels and Tavaris Jackson...prompting this outburst.

The most hilarious part of this (200,000th) chapter of FAVREWATCH is Minnesota’s desperation. According to the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, the Vikings have offered a $3 million raise to Favre to bring him back. But if the ankle’s the problem, how the hell will money make Brett healthy? What are they gonna do…tape it up with thousand dollar bills?

I still don’t believe this story. Brett will do anything to feed his massive douchey ego...I mean keep playing football. Today, we saw Favre tell ESPN’s Ed Werder has “no idea” what he’s gonna do. Believe me...he has an idea:

A. Skip training camp
B. Bro out in some Levis
C. Have own ESPN decision special
D. Join team at last possible second
E. Throw season ending pick

Can’t wait.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Wes Welker: Superhuman

PFT: Wes Welker's stay on the physically unable to perform list was a brief one. Patriots director of player personnel Nick Caserio revealed Sunday morning that Welker passed his physical and will return to the field for the team's morning practice.

BAM. The whole NFL saw this...and collectively crapped themselves. Suddenly the Patriots AREN'T dead in the water, and all of New England has a raging hard on. SUPER BOWL. CUE THE EVIL EMPIRE MUSIC.

I'm not sure where I stand as the resident Pats fan. On one hand I'm ecstatic the NFL's resident badass is back. But on the other, knee injuries take both time to heal AND EVEN MORE TIME to get over mentally. And for a player like Welker, a receiver who excels because of his route running and lateral quickness, who knows how long he'll take to get back to form.

Then again, this guy is probably the NFL's toughest...yes toughest...seriously toughest son of a bitch. If there's anyone who'd work their asses off more to get back on the field, it's this guy. I just hope he's let his knees heal enough.

PS: How funny is it that a guy that tore his knee up 6 months ago is cleared for training camp...and a lineman whose done nothing all off-season except cash a $21 million dollar paycheck is not. Sorry Footsteps "Wannabe Welker" Falco.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Some Guys Just Can't Run

In my last post, I promised that I would never ever write another sentence about a certain Redskins defensive lineman when he said that he didn't want to play in D.C. anymore. But since he decided to eventually drag his ass to camp, I decided to make a few concessions. I'll still write about him, but I'm gonna call him other things instead of his name.

Anyway, I'm not that bitter anymore and I think the situation is kinda funny now. The oxygen thief said he was too good for the switch to the 3-4 defense and implied that he didn't need to "come down to our level," and when he finally did show up, he can't even pass a simple conditioning test to practice with the team. How beautifully ironic is that? That's like the PG-Train losing his voice right before the FCC let him say anything he wanted on the air.

And then overgrown Chunk from the Goonies failed the test again and couldn't even try the next few days due to "injury," which caused the entire football world and D.C. area to collectively laugh right in Jellybowl's face.

First of all, Stay-Puft was the only Redskin that had to take the test because he missed minicamp while he was busy whining about his situation. That definitely adds to the entire comedy. And in case you're wondering about what the test was that the former Pro Bowler couldn't handle, it's basically six 50-yard sprints that have to be done in 70 seconds the first run and 73 seconds the next run. A reporter from Comcast SportsNet passed the test, as did Mike Golic on NFL Live. Yeah, Golic did it. He's 47.

Also, I know the test is a little different in Baltimore, but Terrence Cody managed to pass his drill (on the third try). If you've seen the guy, you'll realize that it makes the whole thing even funnier.

Oh, and Old Country Buffet could lose his entire $100 million plus contract if he doesn't eventually pass the test. I think I'm gonna end with that since I feel so great right now. Maybe I'll run a few sprints.